Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

I'm almost ashamed to say it, but last night I went in the recycle bin on the computer at home and found a video. This was a video of my W and my cousin on the train kissing each other. Really nice to watch. I know, I did it to myself. It's interesting the thoughts that raced through my head for the rest of the evening - back and forth. I'm partly happy to have seen it because it helps with detachment and it helps me recognize that I'm not in denial because when I watched it it wasn't shocking or surprising. On the other hand, I found my resolve shaken a little. I looked back on our relationship, especially over the last several months, and saw a lot of bad and little good. I found myself wondering "what am I doing this for? there's got to be someone far better out there for me." I know this is totally reactive, but on some level it's true, I'm just not choosing to make this the reality that I act on right now. I thought about some particular things my W said to me in anger about my character, things like me caving to her meet her every want made her say "why don't you grow a set?" and asking about my pattern of getting into relationships with women who are verbally dominant (this is something I think I have figured out - goes back to my parents' relationship - the woman is very verbal, the male is on the surface somewhat submissive but underneath very much serving himself). She wouldn't tell me what she thought this all meant about me, and I didn't pry too much. I found myself thinking about calling my XGF and talking to her about all of this. We talk every once in a while, and whenever she was in town she would visit with W, S4 and me.

I intellectually know what I'm doing is right for me and in the abstract, for my family. I sort of question whether W and I are "right" for each other. I might be happier with someone who's more balanced. I think now that I really understand the dynamic of my parents' relationship a bit better I might be better able to find a mate who's better suited. More time. It's going to take more time.

I found myself wondering if their relationship really is as real as they say it is, something they are both willing to give up their lives for. I have always thought that at least my cousin wouldn't give up his career to come to the USA for this, but now I really wonder. I know this is stupid again to think about their relationship as THE factor in mine, but I get to this point where it really is. There are problems in my M and this major hurdle preventing solving them. It makes it seem like turning away could be just as easy or more than fixing things. I know it's not, and I'm ignoring the biggest reason to give it my all, my son.

I guess this is all an illustration of thought patterns in my emotional mind - fantasy thoughts of being in a loving relationship to comfort me in my pain, thoughts of escape, rationalizations, justification, blame, excuses. All those factors because deciding to stop fighting is the WRONG choice for me. I know it's a bad choice, that's why I'm starting to rationalize, etc. I shouldn't have to fight myself over this too often. I should know what I'm doing and be totally submerged in it, but yet I feel like I'm in the shallows, barely in to my ankles. I don't know what's holding me back.