I have found a place of peace again. Last night I was talking about my plans for the upcoming months with my good friend, and how open ended they are, yet they are packed with good stuff in the mean time. I have pretty much committed myself to several years without a relationship because of the sitch, worst case scenario. I'm looking at at least (in my opinion) 18 months before W can file divorce, and from what I've read one should allow at least 2 years after divorce before considering a serious relationship. Also, at this point I plan to keep the door open for that time after divorce too. Maybe this is too much of an investment - it's certainly mildly daunting now - but I can see myself being in a hugely better place after this time period, whether with my W or not.
W and I got along much better yesterday for the most part. One thing, though, when I give her a kiss goodnight (on the cheek now - because her lips are reserved for another) she doesn't return it. I don't know it I should stop doing this or not. I'm thinking yes.
She chatted about stuff in her life kind of like old times. I listened, and enjoyed the time, for the most part. Something wasn't right though. She had this kind of attitude. I got home from work before she had returned from her therapist. When she got in, she was very strange to me. I asked her if she was ok and she gave me the most odd look I have ever gotten from her, I mean her lip curled up like a snarl and she looked possessed. She told me yes and then ran downstairs to the computer. Don't know what that was about. Very, very strange. I'm really curious about what this counselor is talking to her about. I have already heard things from my W about what this counselor thinks about me, or my treatment of her in the M, and I don't like her perspective. I think she's doing a lot of damage to the sitch. Regardless, it's something I can't control.
There are so many signs that this isn't a done deal to me. So many things about the A relationship that I can see that the two of them are ignoring. The fact that this is so out in the open and W STILL hides the screen when I walk in means she's still sneaking around. The fact that she acts so angry with me, that we can't just be friendly and get along despite the fact (to her) that we're over. These facts mean that there's still a lot to be worked through.
I realized last night that I love my W enough to stand by her while she goes through this really difficult time in her life, regardless of where we are headed as a couple. I know she's looking for a lot of answers that only she can find for herself. The only reason I would pull myself out of this relationship is because I want something different for myself. At this point, I think it's far more important to invest myself in loving my W in this deep way, regardless whether she returns it, than to run out and try and make a new life for myself. I know I'll be a better person for it, and hopefully, so will she.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
