Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Also consider that always blaming her anger/actions on guilt may be, in itself, a "superior" or at least "wrong" in terms of perspective idea.

Yeah, this is something I struggle with, because I'm aware that I might be projecting what I want to see onto her actions in an effort to maintain my own outlook. I have wondered recently whether I haven't really understood the legitimacy of the complaints my W has had about me in an effort to protect myself, and therefore haven't acted on them. In saying this, though, I wonder if I'm not trying to find a way to make this all about me, when it's not - saying that this is the way it is because of something I have done or haven't done right yet. I think there's some truth to this, but how much is unclear.

She may indeed NOT feel guilt but rather thinks that this whole thing is the greatest prospect she has for a happy life.

This I believe to be true. I hope this changes as her awareness of the cost grows and I hope she starts to realize the fantasy element of it.

I think you are still doing remarkably well considering all things, and I have faith that you will continue on the path that so far, has been pretty steady. You DO know what you want, and you are doing what you feel you need to do to achieve those goals. You just have to keep trusting yourself.

This is where I begin to doubt myself, at the whole trusting myself point! I wouldn't be here if I was worthy of my own trust, right? If my intuition was worth something, I wouldn't be here. But, at the same time, I'm well aware that because my W was in the state she was, regardless of my contribution to that state, she still made the decision to escape everything this way. I let her be who she was, which I'm proud of - and it's always something she valued in me and our relationship - and she became this person on her own.

I appreciate that you think I'm doing well here. I hope I can make some more progress and not get caught up in my own emotions, or my investment in the outcome I want. I have come to realize that I haven't let go nearly as much as I thought, and I think it's to my detriment. But this letting go stuff isn't easy - especially when my W told me that she thinks I'm not showing her I care about her. She wants to see me fight for her, she wants me to show her I care and support her efforts to be her own person, but yet she has decided she wants nothing to do with me and that I'm standing in the way of her happiness. We are so far removed from each other now, both physically and emotionally that I have no choice but to be my own compass through this. I hope I'm still someone that she'll find attractive under the right circustances, but we'll have to wait and see.

Thanks for dropping by.