Things are sort of ok - I guess I'm adjusting to W living downstairs somewhat. Last night we went to celebrate her mother's and stepfather's birthdays (1 day apart) and had a pretty good time. She actually was somewhat normal with me, at one point even letting her leg touch mine (she eventually moved it). When we got home, however, I put S4 to bed and she didn't even say goodnight to him, but ran downstairs to write email (to OM, of course). Eventually, I went downstairs to tell her I was going out for a walk and there was a strong undercurrent of anger coming from her. I think it was partially because I came in while she was writing her email (which she's still clicking away - a sign to me that she's well aware that what she's doing is wrong, despite how dedicated she tries to appear to this being her new life), but I have noticed that she has steadily maintained this resentful, angry demeanor towards me, especially since her return. I think she's guilty, and she's angry with me for not giving in or being nasty and mean. She's got little to nothing to hold against me now (it doesn't stop her), so she's constantly digging for issues. Yesterday at lunch it was nothing more than "I felt fine before you came home and now that you're here I'm frustrated and annoyed." She was telling me about her plans for later and I was washing some dishes and she thought I wasn't listening to her. This is something blatant that I need to work harder on - looking at her while I'm listening and repeating what she says.
I re-read some of DR last night and it was enlightening to find some little tidbits that were not fresh in my mind. I think the whole midlife crisis section does apply to my W, but I'm not positive. I had to stop myself from getting pessimistic while reading the paragraphs where she says that sometimes the decision has been made and there's nothing else you can do. I wrote down 3 goals for improvement: I'd like to see more awareness of positives; I'd like to see more desire to do things together (and actually do them) and I'd like to discuss and be part of our own self development. I'm not sure how successful I can be with #1 because W is pretty intent on focusing only on the negatives. 2 is something I can try and work on - we might as well have some fun together even if we are headed for divorce. 3 is something that I think is already in motion. Because my W is trying to get herself to a place where we can actually separate, she's aware of a real need for her own self growth and development. I have told her I support her on this (which to her is "just words" - what more can I give? I mean my word that I support her and intend to do what I can to support her work is all I can give. I can't do it for her, she has to do it) and have already shown this by giving her another driving lesson in the stick shift car.
I think she's pretty confident in her decision, which is almost entirely an emotional one. The way I see it, it will take at least 6 months before we can get to the point where she's on her feet enough to consider separation, and then we have to be separated for a year before divorce can be filed by her. I don't intend to file. So this gives plenty of time to demonstrate sincere changes and for things in lala land to fizzle. At the very least, this is a significant amount of time in which I can work on myself and get into a much better position for me to go on with my life. I just wish we could be more friendly through this.
Actually, last night, W came upstairs to say goodnight to me. I wasn't sure she would, but she did come up and sit on the bed and talk for a bit. I have to admit that I feel a bit strange sometimes talking to her, like I have so much to hold back. I think there's still potential.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
