Well I have to say, as you all may have noticed, I have backslid quite a bit in my sitch. I expected to revisit the trauma when W took the step to advance the EA to a PA, and while the emotional pain is muted, I have once again taken the focus off of me and put it back on my W and my cousin. Yesterday I wrote a letter to send to my cousin telling him how saddened I am by the choices he's making - clearly trying to influence him and appeal to his conscience. I'm not going to send it. There's no good to come from it. It will just communicate to this guy with an adolescent mentality that he I think he has power over my life. This is clearly something he gets a rise out of. Not going to do it.
I keep thinking about what will happen if this goes through, partially because my W is really planning now, and partially because I'm starting to wonder if ANY outcome is better than this limbo, and the only outcome I can make happen right now is to agree with her. It makes me angry how high the costs are for this. It makes me angry to think about how little stock my W puts into being a responsible parent. I know this anger is really masking my fear and hurt, fear of the future and what might come. I don't know what will come, and so I try to focus on what I can do right now for myself and my family.
It doesn't really help anything that I'm a bit sick - there's always a bit of an emotional down when you're not feeling well. I've made some significant changes in my life that I'm proud of. I have many more to go, and I want to accomplish a lot more in the time I have left with my family. I will continue to focus on my goals, and the steps I need to take to accomplish them.
I have started leaving my W notes to tell her that I'm proud of her, or things about our son. This morning I signed it "ILU, Me". Not sure if this is too much pressure or pursuit. I just want to create an environment where she's aware of the comforts of this family, rather than just some guy who loves her. She's going to lose this, and I don't know if reminding her of this is going to make her feel like it's all fake, or if it will really make her feel something productive. I haven't been affectionate of late - she has been so physically detached from me. She even looks angry at times when I do touch her at all. It seems to me that she's trying too hard for this to be sincere. Maybe I'm misjudging her here and she's really acting with integrity in the sense that her whole being is aligned behind her actions.
I don't want to be reactive - but she has recently told me that I'm not getting through to her my desire to be with her. I can't believe how stupid this looks when I put it in print, because the simple fact is that she HAS to see my efforts. She's probably just angry that I haven't given up. I want to do more and be more for the sake of this relationship but I don't really know what to do at this point. She's moved so far away from me. I know I need to do more 180s now. Keep track of what works, stop doing what doesn't, but the fact is that I don't know what kind of goals I can create for this sitch that I can monitor the effectiveness of my actions against. I have seen my actions yield results in the past, but because she's in such a different place I don't know how much weight I have anymore.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
