Thanks Whatis. I am really debating it, and I'm trying to figure out a way to make it happen without doing more damage. It's a difficult debate because it would be helpful to my family regardless of what happens to the M. I have had to work in the evenings to afford our life - and that has no doubt put a huge strain on the M, contributing to the current state of it. If I can somehow manage to go in the evenings (W doesn't really want to spend much, if any, time with me anyway) and find another way to supplement my income, it could work without creating additional strain. It would really show some ambition and dedication on my part too - above and beyond how it will help my life and those in it.
As for what my W says, it's textbook, from what I know. If she wants to believe it, then she will. It's hard because I think it will take actually having this relationship become a real, boring, dull, resentment inspiring relationship might be what it takes for her to really see that the grass isn't any greener over there, but because of the fact that they live on different continents, a whole lot of obstacles have to be overcome in order for it to get to that stage. I have to up the value of our relationship for her to want to stay.
She recently asked me again, in the past couple of days, if I thought that if they stopped communicating whether the feelings will just go away. I told her that I don't know if she'll be able to stop the feelings, but there are plenty of people that do it. It's up to her. I guess this is proof that she's still considering ending it with him. She even told me a day or two later that she was thinking about it. It's really crunch time, and I feel like I don't really know what to do. I tried the pull away thing, and while I got results, she's in a different place now, and she got angry with me when she came back telling me that not only did she not see any changes on my part, that she saw no fight, she saw me pulling away and "being mean" to her, which just pushed her further away. So I'm sure I need to really find some middle ground here. I am trying to do little things here and there, leaving notes telling her I'm proud of her for things without having any expectation of any response from her. I also and being aware of being far more detached, not trying to be close to her, or touch her. We haven't been talking a whole lot, but when we do I try to be upbeat, and talk about our son a lot. She's been so focused on getting herself together to get out that we have had quite a few conversations about that - which I'm not resisting (but I'm often telling her not to worry about how we're going to handle it once we're apart because we're not there yet - clearly telling her that I'm not really taking her leaving seriously (oh wait, I'm the one leaving?!?!?) and that I'm somewhat still in denial). I really want to see her get on her feet, which I've been telling her for a long time, but I just can't look to making even hypothetical separation plans with her. I'd rather deal with her getting to where she wants to be, which I'm glad to be a part of, and then if she gets there and decides she wants to separate, she's on her own from there.
I hope she sees just how sincere I am about helping her. I hope she realizes from my actions and support just how much I actually do support HER and that this basically sinks her argument that I WANT her to be a prisoner in our home and life. Maybe then she'll have an open mind about other things she might be wrong about. We'll see at some point I guess.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
