Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

I just got back from taking S4 to the doctor with W - still not sure what's wrong with him. He's got a rash that usually is caused by strept but doesn't have strept. Overall, it wasn't a bad time w/W, but at one point I touched her leg in what was meant to be a comforting way and she rolled her eyes. She also told me that her uncle called and asked if he could stay overnight with us and she told him no because she was sleeping downstairs! It would seem either she's trying really hard to detach from me because she's really trying to convince herself that she's doing the right thing, or she's trying really hard to be faithful to OM, and that's why she's fighting so hard not to be near me. I really crave her attention, so much so that it actually almost makes me sick sometimes. When I got home, she was in the shower (glass doors) with the bathroom door wide open. She knew I was coming and she talked to me without hiding herself. For a time earlier in the sitch she didn't want me to see her naked, so I'm not sure how to take this. It is absolute torture though!

I keep having these self-defeatist (or maybe it's my own emotional preparation) thoughts about how I'm watching my W just walk out of my life, and that I'm not doing what I should be, I'm not expressing the right amount of remorse (maybe not any at all). In fact, I actually started to feel remorse for not recognizing the fact that I could have done SOMETHING about my W's unhappiness - that maybe the fact that I didn't do anything means that I really didn't care, like she tries to tell me. I have always, and still do, maintained that her life and health are her responsibility and she has to do for herself. She blames me for this, even though I can't change my perspective on it, and I think that somehow I'm to blame. I know I need to be upbeat and happy and be someone she wants to be with rather than express sadness or remorse, but I'm acknowledging it here. I guess it's all part of the healing process, one that I want to go through with my W, but have to go through regardless.

I feel somewhat helpless again, I guess because I'm focusing on her, which while somewhat necessary to gain insight into what I can do to effectively reach her is painful. Also, she's hoarding all the attention, and she's fixated on power, which she tells me I have all of, and my focus on her is giving her what she wants. I need to focus on myself, and not on her, and then she'll start to look towards me, hopefully, as long as someone else doesn't have her attention now. Oh, damnit, I almost forgot, there is someone there. There's the wheel again, the emotional rollercoaster with it's thought spirals. I'm not feeling the intensity of the emotions, but the thoughts do get back there.

I wish there was something really significant I could do to impress her - to give her reason to want to love me. I keep thinking that that's all she needs, some reason to try and work things out, but the fantasy life that she's running towards is just too real for her. Me and the life I give her are not enough to compare to it. It almost doesn't help me to know that this is her issue. I know it is, and I wish she was open enough to looking at herself in a deep and meaningful way. Maybe there will be a miracle, but this has been going on for so long now, and she's apparently off the fence. I wish I could lead her to believe that I've given up but I have been strong and honest about the fact that I still want things to work. Yes, I have no doubt that she's angry at me that I won't be angry at her and divorce her because of what she's done, but I haven't been. Her focus is almost entirely on what her life is going to be like without us being together. How we're going to manage the logistics of being parents apart. I'm angry because I can't help thinking she's punishing both S4 and me by not allowing us to see each other every day and live in the same house. I guess I have some really huge resentment issues towards her, ones that I'm working through within myself, and I recognize that they exist and I own them, but this is one of them. The huge injustice that she got us here to this point where we are married with a child, and now she wants to walk away without doing the responsible thing and leave me footing the bill for the whole family, struggling to get by, not getting to be as involved in my son's childhood as I want to and as I feel he needs, all because she's too selfish to do what's right. Enough. It's not worth going down this road.

I will continue here, whether it be futile or not. I guess I wish I had a more concrete path to follow, something that I knew would work, that I could see tangible results from. I am sure she's still confused, and even though she thinks she's clear in her decision, I'm sure she's still debating. I need to keep my focus on my life, which I've been doing well, and hopefully she'll figure out what she needs to about herself and this situation. Maybe it will take the sacrifice of a young life for her to figure this out, but I hope not.