Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys. I really am doing well these days, for the most part. I'm realizing a lot about my own motivations in all of this, and keeping my PMA up despite everything that's going on. I've truly realized that fighting this fight for me has nothing to do with whether I'm going to win or lose. W keeps asking me how she can convince me that it's over - and the simple fact is that my hope doesn't come from her, and the fight is not to win, but to do right and be right through it.

Since she's been home she's been sleeping downstairs. She hasn't kissed me (well, once or twice) on the lips, but rather is making a point of changing our relationship into something platonic. It's frustrating, even angering, when I think about it, so I don't really - at least not that often. I'm truly glad that she's moving in the self growth direction - this above all else has me encouraged. Again, not because of the outcome, but because it's good for her.

She told me yesterday that she was considering not talking to OM for some time while we go through this because she wants to be sure for herself that this isn't the real reason that she's doing this. Meanwhile, she keeps telling me in somewhat round about ways that is absolutely IS about him. She came home from being with him with this decision made. She as much as told me that because they had such a great time it pretty much proved that what she and I have or had isn't "real". She said that she feels like he's the man she's meant to be with. I told her "I know" and she looked at me like I was a bit crazy - then I told her that that was what most people in affairs say. I know this isn't really DB and it puts me in a "superior" position, but I said it. She then tried to rationalize further that they're different, they're not the classic affairs couple. They're special. Anyway, the fact is that this is all about the A, and all her justifications for wanting to break up our family are utilizing that motivation. Doesn't do me the slightest bit of good to know this, except to help me understand it's not really about me.

I keep thinking about my son and how much he deserves us to be together and actually working at things. I'm not going to give up here, but I truly hope he's going to get what he needs. He's such a special person, always has been, and he deserves the absolute most in terms of parental committment and love we can give him.

My W has been talking a lot about how I'm going to move out and how we're going to make things work for our S in terms of school and other logistical stuff. She's agreed to getting on her feet before we decide if and when to separate (even though it's a when to her - or so she always says), but she can't just let it be there. She's running fast and hard now, and even though she says that she's not at all guilty for what she's done, I think she's hiding it from herself. I really don't think she can stand to truly face herself for what she's done and doing. She told me that before she left she was nervous that it wouldn't be what she has been anticipating but that it did turn out to be everything she wanted. Now she's looking for more problems with me to justify this - so I need to be as close to perfect as can be. I've also been trying to figure out how I can get her to stop CREATING the problems she's looking for between us. She'll get angry at me when we're talking because she just can't understand me, rather than just asking for clarity on one point or another. I think it comes from her poor self esteem, but I'm not sure. I just try to be patient and understanding, but I can't help feeling like things are spiraling downward.

I've been interested in pursuing my MBA degree in the past, but never could find the time to invest. I've decided in the past couple of days that I need to do this. I need to for myself and my boy, and even though it's going to put some extra strain on our family, it's got to be worth it. It almost sounds stupid when I put this down, but I really want to do this. My parents have told me they'll support my efforts, and I have been wanting to talk to my parents about this situation (they don't know yet) and ask for their help. I know my W will see me talking to just about anyone about this as a vindictive measure - especially since she's having an affair with my father's nephew, and his parents know, so once my parents know there will be lots of communication between the parents. Might not be too comfortable for them. I just don't understand how this can be the motivation for destroying a family, with a high cost for everyone including extended family, and yet the motivation is something that is too shameful to get out into the open. If they're so in love, wouldn't they want to shout it to everyone? I almost think it would be beneficial to make it more difficult for them at this point - but the cost of pushing W away now might be too high for us.

I just have to give it more time, work on myself, and see where it will go. There's hardly good reason for breaking up a family, especially since we haven't worked at solving problems since this A has clued us in to the fact that we have and have had problems with our relationship. It's not an abusive relationship, she's just got something "real" proving that what we have isn't. I asked her (again, bad DB) if she'd found now that the grass really was greener on the other side, and she said yes it was.

Thanks for being there guys. I really appreciate it.