Thanks Stevie. Reading that stuff gets me emotional, and I'm really ambivalent about what I'm reading. My W can't really act without my consent, so in a sense I'm somewhat safe here, but at the same time I have the issue of her not feeling free. Also, reading about how parental hostility isn't good for the kids worries me. I'm not hostile to her, but she is VERY hostile to me, and she acts on all of her emotions, including in front of our son. I know it is her choice not to control herself, and she's not being responsible, but because I am involved in the situation, am I somehow putting my son in a harmful environment by not going with what W wants here? I want to do what's right, and what's right in the abstract is giving my S the best shot at having his parents in a loving, happy relationship. I don't know how best to approach this now, and I'm really feeling the need to act. I'm just frozen. She's angry at me, and is going to do whatever it takes to maintain this anger (I don't know this for a fact, it might turn out to be a great weekend after we get some more stuff out in the open). I guess I'm preparing for the worst, and it's bothering me because at the moment I don't feel like there's anything I can constructively focus on to move me toward my goal.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Regardless of how you W is acting you need to also understand that your son will also remember how you acted. So I guess my question would be: How do you want you son to act if this happens to him down the road? Do you want him to think that it is ok to give up without a fight or do you think he will believe you left to protect him?
I'm not sure what his age is, but you need to consider what will make a bigger impression on him. I wouldn't take W's action into account on this because you have no control over that. Who says that if you caved in and let her have her way that she is going to be any happier? You have to realize that her view of reality is a little distorted right now. The newness always wears off and all the problems that weren't dealt with before always come back. Took me being D from 1st wife, having problems with 2nd W to see that.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Well said. I'm realizing that today I'm starting to allow myself to be motivated by fear again. I have been able to motivate myself from love in the past and it's where I want all of my motivation to come from. I guess I have done it to myself and I've been running with it. I have been standing up for what I believe in and want and know is the "right" thing. I guess I'm doubting myself because things are a little uncomfortable now.
You're absolutely right that I have no idea whether any action on my part would change how she acts. If she's pissed about the situation while we're apart she might not hold back. I'm internalizing her anxiety and need for quick resolution. Detach, detach, detach.
Thanks for helping me stand up again and regain some clarity.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Alright, so apparently I haven't been demonstrating any changes. W thinks that I have just been pushing her away. That and OM is who she is meant to be with. The separation is put on hold for a bit because she needs to get some things in order, like a job and such. So there's some more time for DBing. I have to re-read the book. I'm really confused that all my work seems to have been for nothing because she doesn't see it as significant, and she certainly doesn't see it as fighting. She doesn't want to, I know, but that doesn't change her perspective. She as much as told me she is looking for a reason to stay. Gotta work on that.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, just my 2 cents here, but your W is one confused lady. She is angry at herself and seems to be taking it out on you. She does see your changes, believe me, that is probably what is making her even madder. The fact that you are fighting for your M. She probably doesn't feel like she deserves you. She probably feels worthless and unworthy of your unconditional love. What is it that DR says? Don't believe everything they say and only 50% of what they do, something like that...... She is in a lot of inner turmoil that only she can figure out.
Again, just my 2 cents. Hang in there. I may not always post, for lack of advice, but I do keep up with you so you know you are not alone.
Reread page 216 in DR. Think that may give you some direction on finding things that might get noticed.
One other thing, how do you know that what she is telling you is for you and not meant to convince herself? I guess what I'm saying is maybe she is seeing some changes and just doesn't want to acknowledge them. So, instead of admitting that, she keeps spouting off lies to keep herself convinced that she is right.
There is no way to tell for sure except to watch and wait for her to slip. For her to make a slip of the tongue or do something that goes contrary to what she says.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Man, you guys are the best. It really helped to read your responses. I guess I got swept away by the seeming finality of her decision, and how it involved me. I actually am happy with my suggestions to her, as they seem to both help her out and delay the decision. I told her that I thought it best if she do what she has to do to get herself on her feet, accomplish whatever goals she needs to such as getting a job, learning to drive our car, etc. and then decide if and/or how we will separate if that's still what she wants. I told her in the beginning of this drama that I thought her life was lacking in a lot of roles from which she could draw fulfillment. The fact is that SHE needs to do for herself in order to feel any fulfillment from her life, and I think she was hoping that I would change and all of a sudden she would be fulfilled, or that this A would do a similar thing. Now, even though I'm sure it's for the wrong reasons, she is going to accomplish these goals for herself and hopefully achieve a new level of personal happiness and a new perspective on our life together. I'm just going to hang in there and not take a lot of what she's saying seriously (stuff like she's going to stay in the appt we're in and I'm going to have to pay for it).
I'll be sure to re-read pg 216 - thanks for the tip. I have no doubt that she's not sure what she's doing, but I think she's almost picking a path just to have some clarity. I hope I didn't do too much damage backsliding today with her by talking in a hopeful manner and asking her to put off making the decision until she's in a place where she can actually make it. I did tell her that if she still wanted to separate at this point I won't fight her. I think this might help her feel less trapped (as I hope having a job and earning some of her own money will as well). She's the key to her own happiness, and at least she's motivated now to do something for herself. It took her 8 months to even start. I feel like now's an especially critical time in my sitch and I need to be aware and DB like crazy and not get scared or desperate. Thanks for your support - I'll write more in depth in a few days about some issues that came up in our conversation as I don't really have time now.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Just popping in to offer my support, Muddle. Keeping up with you, even when I have no wisdom to give. You are really doing fine in the middle of the Quisinart blending and chopping.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi Muddle, So sorry for your pain right now but actually in your last post you sounded great! I'm just wondering was your W taking medication for? I'm guessing depression. When people are chronically depressed they look for blame elsewhere, and that would be you! They can't face it. Medication might help balance her out and clear her head a bit. You are also right in allowing or encouraging her to be her own person. That is empowering her otherwise she continues to see you as what is holding her back. I hope she does go with the meds but, if not, let her take that trip herself. I know what it is like trying to convince someone to take meds. I got "so I guess that means I'm the problem, if I just get fixed then everything will be OK". It just creates resentment even though you are acting out of love. Lastly, be good to yourself right now, you deserve it!
