We had the talk. Seems like something we have done before. She kept telling me that I was standing between her and a happy life. That I wsa causing her all of this pain. "How?" I asked. "I'm not doing anything other than living my life." Well, the gist of it is that she wants to do something definitive to change the situation and make her feel better. She has been looking up divorce, and is very frustrated. She asked me what I would do in a divorce, whether I would fight to have her child taken from her, etc. I told her that I wouldn't be mean or vindictive, but I'm not going to help her out either. It's not what I want. I told her that parameters under which I would be a willing participant (having tried to be happy together, in a good marriage, and it didn't work for either of us). Well, she then told me that because we live in NY state, there's no no fault divorce here. She has NO cause for divorce (while I do) and the ONLY way to get a divorce is to sign a legal separation agreement and be separated for a year. I told her that I don't want to be separated. So now I am literally caging her. How do I open the cage door without doing something that I don't want to do???????
At some point in the convo, she told me that they had an incredible time on the trip, and it drives her nuts because she has been contemplating breaking it off with him since this trip, and she's not quite sure why. She keeps saying that it's because she's looking at the "easy way out". She has been far more miserable than I have ever seen her since she's been back. At one point, she said that "in order for me to move on with this other relationship I have to break it off now." Meaning that in order to divorce the right way she has to satisfy my requirements, but the real reason she wants the divorce is because she wants to continue this A relationship. How mind-bendingly frustrating and painful must it be to have to think like this? I mean she already knows that she'll be causing a lot of damage to our son (she now sees the choice she has to make between OM and S4). I wish there was something I could do to make the M relationship a little more appealing an option to her, but nothing can compare to the fantasy vacation she just returned from, so it's not worth trying. I just need to be me and continue to live my life. She's already planning another trip to see him in Europe in November.
Well, I guess that's the condensed version. Hope someone has some insight for me. I really want more than anything to open the cage door and take the focus off of me. Not sure how I can do this now. . . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
