Thanks BI, I truly appreciate your stopping by. As for the distance, I'm really seeing the need for this more and more, and it ties into what Stevie was saying too. My W needs to grow. She needs to take responsibility for her choices, and stop making excuses or justifying them. I think she really needs some time on her own to do this, because she is truly not in a place to do this now.
Last night, I got home and she was rotten. Not really taking it out on me, but the nasty looks on her face said it all. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she wasn't feeling well. I told her I was sorry she wasn't feeling well. Then she continued to be kind of nasty, so I asked her again, expressing my concern for her feelings, what was wrong. She got angry this time, telling me that she wasn't feeling well, and I don't listen to her. I told her that I was sorry that she wasn't feeling well and that I had frustrated her, but I wished she wouldn't take it out on me. It seems to me that the past couple of days she has been getting angry with me because I haven't been able to make her feel what she thinks she should. I think she wants me to make her feel something so she'll have more reason to stay, but the fact that I haven't been bending over backwards to live my life for her seems to be something she's resenting. She got angry at me because she has to sleep on the blow-up bed downstairs because I won't let her sleep in our bed alone. I told her she's more than welcome to join me there, but if she doesn't want to sleep with me, than she's the one to sleep elsewhere, not me. Again, I don't care about her feelings or well-being. She's really pusing herself to the breaking point, but of course, it's all my fault.
On a somewhat side note, I went and did something dumb. I happened across the fact that now that she's back from this trip with OM she's got a lot of new underwear. I don't know why exactly, but this hurt me to find out. I have always wanted to get her new stuff, get her to try new things, and she has always stuck by her usual style. Well, now she's got a whole bunch of new/different stuff. As if the visions of them doing it together wasn't bad enough, now he's dressing her and she wants it! It makes me angry (I know, it's disguised hurt). I need to distance myself further. I feel like I'm almost at the point where I should stop trying to be nice to her, and I should tell her that I don't want to talk to her about anything other than S4 and finances/family operations.
She's already so resentful of her status in life because she has no car or job or anything, and I don't want to seem like I'm totally washing my hands of everything (maybe that would be good), but I'm starting to feel disconnected from my own actions. I want to be affectionate, but it's not really welcome, and I'm not sure it does any good. I think it keeps us in a certain proximity, and I should be creating more distance to encourage her to step towards me a bit more. Although, as long as the A is her primary motivation/focus, I'm not sure how much closer I want her to be.
Alright, thanks for letting me rant.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
