Just a quick update. Last night I went down to work my second job. Whenever I do this, W always asks me to call when I am coming home. Since the A started, that is. I always felt like it was to sound the alarm to warn her that I'm coming home so she can finish whatever it is that she's doing before I get there. Last night I decided that I wouldn't call. Why should I act like we're in a M relationship if she clearly doesn't want one? Especially since she has made comments recently about wanting to "stop pretending". This is yet another example to me of wanting all the benefits of being M without any of the responsibilites.
So I get home without calling. She's furious. Absolutely furious. "Why didn't you call? You always call?" I told her I didn't call because I didn't have anything to tell her nor did I have any questions of her I wanted answered. She wouldn't stop going on and on about it. Absolutely furious. She turned it into me not caring about her feelings, and me not knowing her, and I'm the one who wants to make this M work and I go and act this way, as if it was a malicious act on my part. And she gets her stuff together and goes to sleep downstairs while continuing to fume like this. I wasn't fazed, in fact I was totally calm and collected. She told me that I didn't care, and that I ignored her feelings. This has been a resounding issue between us, about how I don't jump to try and make her feel better. Part of my decision not to call (and I knew it would have an impact) was based on the fact that I have tried to appease her for so long, and it hasn't worked. I have always tried to give/get her whatever she wanted because I thought it would keep her happy. I realize that this has built resentment in me because I have felt that I gave her everything I could, and she just continued to distance herself and never returned the favor. So now, I don't want to just blindly do this anymore. I want to act as a result of my convictions. I want there to be rational thought behind my actions that is meaningful. Not sure if any of this makes sense.
So she comes back upstairs and yells at me that I didn't even ask about how her evening was or S4s evening was (even though I did ask her how she was doing when I got home, but I guess she didn't hear it in her state). This is apparently proof that I'm a real a$$hole. I keep seeing things like this as progress because it's change. It is breaking us away from the old methods of interaction (even though she continues to try to use the old way to control me) and I know there's a need to create MORE distance between us so that a clear decision can be made to reconcile. Does this sound completely foolish?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
