Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Well, it was an interesting evening. I went home from work and W looked horrible. She had been crying, and she was really stressed out. She told me as much too. I saw my son, and my heart exploded with joy and I asked him if he wanted to go to the playground. I gave my W some attention before I left and listened to whatever she wanted to tell me, and made it clear that I wanted to be available to her. S4 and I went out to the playground and had a great time. When we got back I made dinner - W didn't want to sit at the table with us - and I ran around and watered the plants. I then prepared to go to my second job. W told me that S4 was different since she was back, and I got the sense that this made her feel bad about herself. In truth, I think that this was somewhat a motivation for me in the things I did while she was gone. S4 (turned 4 in the end of June) has not been potty trained. I always attributed this to a lack of discipline on my W's part. We got close a few times and then things would backslide. Most recently (the past 8 months or so) I attributed this to the fact that she is so fixated on the A and all the drama that surrounds it that she hasn't cared or made this a priority. Well, when she left I potty trained him. He wore underpants the day she left and nothing else. 1 accident the first night and since then he's been perfect. This has to make her feel bad. I don't want her to feel bad about it, but I do want to show her that it can be done, all you have to do is try. I haven't nagged or bugged her about it, I really haven't, but it has been an issue for me. Anyway, I think that contributed to her feeling like she has let him down and has let herself down too.

So I run in the car to go to my second job. I'm about halfway there and I get a call from her on the cell. She's having chest pains. It's not an emergency, she says, but she wants me to come home. I do, and I made her some tea and rubbed her back and told her that if she wanted to talk I would listen and I wouldn't be judgemental. She did want to talk a bit. She told me that she knew what she wanted, she just couldn't figure out how to get it. She wanted to make decisions and act now, and she can't. She doesn't know how she can walk away from our family, but she wants to. She told me about how great she felt about herself being out in the world and doing things she wouldn't do here. She got comfortable riding mass transit, and talking to people. I told her that I thought all of that was great. I was very encouraging - the way I usually think I am with her (despite the fact that she thinks I want her to be locked in a cage and that I don't encourage her to grow and/or be a better person). She said that she got home and she felt that all of her options and choices just disappeared. She is so confined by her world that that person she was can't exist here. She told me she had looked for a job yesterday, but because of x, y, or z factors she kept giving up and thinking that it was pointless. I tried my best to encourage her, but she kept finding reasons that prevented her from doing what she wanted to. Later on, she told me that she didn't expect me to treat her the way I did the night before when she came home. She expected me to be totally fuming and have a quiet anger about me. It was clear to me that my actions did impact her. I told her that I had every reason to be angry and jealous, and that I did have those feelings but chose not to act on them. I told her that I have been making a point of identifying and processing my emotions, but not dwelling on them. We started talking about our M, and how this has brought to light so many faults in our understanding of M, and the way we constructed ours. We saw eye to eye on a lot of the issues, and we even saw eye to eye about what we each want from M in the future, be it this one or another. Imagine that, she wants the same thing out of her marriage as her husband does. Hmm. She went on to say that if and when we do go our separate ways, we should do it right for our son's sake. We should always see eye to eye on how we raise him, and just do it right. I said that no matter what we do, we should do it right. I'm not sure she got what I meant, but she agreed. I told her I thought we should start that right away.

All in all it was a good talk, and it did have its promising moments. She has been really stressed - of her own doing, yes - but I do have a lot of sympathy for her. There's no easy answer. She just called me to chat, and we had a nice little conversation. It's such a strange, strange situation. I feel like I should really distance myself further, but I also see where I am as being effective too. I wish I had a more clear answer about what to do regarding the sitch, even though I'm really clear about where I am mentally now.