Just talked to W, she called me about an email I sent her about our credit card APR and S4. She made it VERY clear that she is very unhappy to be home. I try to be as pleasant as possible, but I just can't take this whole victim attitude she has. She's just begging to be rescued. She doesn't eat and then acts like it's my fault. She's depressed and somehow I'm at fault because I don't do anything to push her. Frankly, I'm really getting sick of it. I want to push her, but I want to be motivated by love, not anger. I am tired of her decisions making her unhappy and somehow being tied into them. I told her last night that I saw that she was very unhappy with the results of a lot of her decisions. She turned this around by telling me that they were OUR decisions. She decided what she wanted in her life at that time. I didn't see a problem with it for me, or our family so I didn't object. Because I didn't second guess her decisions for her own life, I'm the bad guy? Does that make sense to someone objective here? Or is this truly blameshifting on the part of a cheating spouse?
It drives me nuts that she's hell bent on being miserable in her life. Living miserably justifies her feelings, moreso, it justifies her wants. Here I am, in the midst of the most difficult, painful thing in my life, living happily, being happy. Can't she make the same choices? If she's so in love, wouldn't the world be brighter, wouldn't she be encouraged? Happy to be alive?
She's always asking me about my plans, so she can plan around them. It makes me feel sick, like I'm being watched all the time. Like I'm a parent whose kid is trying to get over on them. And it's totally out in the open. What is the need for this secrecy?
I know I'm in it for the long haul, and this discomfort is necessary, to some degree or another. I just feel there's so much to be resolved at this point to even interact as friends and equals, with dignity and respect, much less as spouses. That part of our relationship is so far gone now. I made the mistake before she left of trying to interact that way again, of thinking she cared about how I felt, who I was. To some degree she did, but in the end, I'm sure it did no good. I just need to cope with this period in my life however I can. Maybe she'll come through, maybe she'll leave. I feel so bad for her through all of this. So bad. I think she has it worse than I do, because my path is clear and honorable. Even though my pain may be greater and different, she still is not in a position to be envied.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
