Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Yeah, well I did quite a few times tell her that if she wanted to leave, I wouldn't stop her, and I told her to leave if she wanted to. She then fell back on the whole "I have no resources" thing. I know her parents won't help her out. They want her to try and work things out. This fact that she can't just up and leave easily makes it very easy for her to look at external things as reasons for her actions rather than her choices being the reasons. She takes no responsibility for her actions, choices or where she is in her life. It's frustrating, and in fact it makes me angry that she should cause me so much trouble because of this all. A nasty little consequence of her choices and actions, not her intentions, I know. I choose to be here, and I start to doubt my sanity because of it, especially with her telling me how crazy I sound, etc.

I know that this is my unconditional love put into action by staying the course. I know that if nothing else, I know the strength of my love. Maybe she's not in a place to see it for what it is, or maybe she's not the person to recognize it. I am getting something out of this, out of being here. Tremendous growing pains, but there's something significant to be gained.

I just can't help thinking that she sees me as more and more pathetic. This is a huge paradox, and I know I've written about it before. Staying isn't easy, in fact it's one of the most difficult things I've done, but it doesn't seem to come across that way to her. She even went so far as to question my motivation, my level of understanding of my feelings for her. She thinks that my sticking this out is more because I don't want to lose a possession. I told her that if I viewed her as such I would do all I could in my power to destroy the A, but that I rather put all the emphasis on her choice, her will, because I don't want to be in a relationship with her because there's no other option, but because she chooses to be here.