Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks. I expected this too, even if I hoped for different. I wonder how much worse it is for the outlook when a S is in an EA for months and then seals the deal and intensifies it and moves on with it. I guess this is not really knowable, and it's not worth thinking about.

I'll be doing better soon, I'm not too down now. I have to acknowledge these feelings of loss now, because if I don't I'm sure there will be trouble down the line. I guess I just realize more and more how far from being in a good relationship with me she is now. She has to make a huge change in herself and her perspective in order for things to work, and the current situation just feeds into the problems. I don't know what I can do to change this. I just know that I need to move forward with my life, continue to make good choices for myself, and not try and force an outcome or make choices about this situation just to reach an end or outcome. All of this is a process, and I am grounded in what I want and where I want to be. I just don't know if I'll get it, and I'm not sure that it's possible. I often feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, but the alternative is to abandon my W, my family, and all of my responsibility and commitment. I can't do this.

My W asked me last night how much longer I would let her walk all over me like she is. I told her that I didn't think she was walking all over me, because what she is doing isn't about me, she's doing it despite me, not to me. She seemed a little taken back by this, but I think it rang true to her. I think she's back to wanting me to get so fed up with the situation that I decide to walk away. She even told me that she's back to hoping that something will happen to me. Really nice. And this is the person I want to be married to!