Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

She came home last night. I had the house really nice and warm and inviting. She walked in looking like she had been crying for some time. She went right to our son, who was in bed, and wanted to be validated by him telling her he missed her. She then came in, I gave her a hug and told her I was glad she was home. She told me she was going to sleep downstairs.

I went out for a little while to give her space to get home, especially since she was upset. When I came home she was in our bed, and she wanted me to sleep downstairs. I told her I was sleeping in our bed and if she didn't want to sleep with me she could go downstairs. I started a conversation with her, which turns out not to have been the best thing. It seems that she did have a great time. I have no doubt that this A is now that much stronger than before. She has re-rationalized things regarding our M and now has that much more "clarity" about how bad it was/is and now the only real demons she's wrestling with are those of responsibility relative to our son. I let myself become far too emotional, and she told me that these talks push her even further away - which I understand. Damn it, I'm really getting sick of feeling like I have no place in my W's heart, and indeed, this confirmed that this is now true, moreso than ever before. I think her detachment is far more complete than before, and I have become more attached in the weeks leading up to this trip.

The thing that hurts the most is that I didn't really miss her while she was gone. I think this has a lot to do with trying to protect myself from the pain of what she was doing and thinking about her at all would have been painful. But, more importantly, I got a huge sense of freedom, and I truly had FUN. I can't walk away from this, I have too many reasons that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't, but there is a part of me that doesn't want this constant reminder of the damage. There's a part of me that doesn't want this rotten person around me. I know she has a lot of growing to do before we can have a real marriage, and so do I. I just have to let go again, or for the first time, I'm really not sure. We talked about separation, as a result of her literally saying she felt the cage door slam shut when she walked in the door. She said that this is the first time she walked in the door and it didn't feel like home to her. But separation would involve losing our apartment, because we can barely afford it together. She keeps saying that she has no resources, no way to get around, no real job. She can't leave, even if she wants to. This all lead to the discussion of how she got this way, and it seems that her therapist and "a lot of people" think that it's my fault because I enabled her, and I didn't push her to get out of what was to be a bad situation. I respected the way she wanted to live her life. Maybe I didn't know what to do, or how to approach it. In any case, we're where we are, and I have no idea what to do about it. I want to open the cage door and let her out, I really do, and I think it would be good for her to find herself and be herself, but I have no idea how to do any of it without destroying a lot of what is important in the lives of the three of us.

At the same time, I have to truly walk away. I can't stop seeing her as the person I always used to, and I get no compassion, no respect when we communicate, and this hurts. I have to stop thinking about her as my wife, as a person I want to have a real relationship with. I have to stop desiring anything and just live. It always comes through and always will, I think.

I know I have to give this all time. I can't make any assumptions about the future, I can only know what I want and act in a way that is conducive to getting there. I quite often can't help feeling that going one way or the other would make things easier, even though I know it won't. This relationship is there forever, because we have a child together. Even if we divorce, the pain will be there. Our son will be scarred. I need to know that I/we have tried everything in our power to be happy together before I will decide to walk away. Is this stupid at this stage in the game? I don't know, but it's the decision I've made, and I'm sticking to it. I just wish I saw results that meant something to me, instead of hearing how much there is about me she doesn't like. Doesn't really matter what she thinks because I'm finding more and more about me that I like.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm doing ok, and I'm sure I'll be much better once the raw emotion has been exorcised. Got to get back on track - detach, detach, detach.