I know I know, you told me so. I'm not saying I expected it to be easy. I'm not really evaluating anything right now, just getting through and trying to process my thoughts and feelings rather than ignore them.
I know that even if she doesn't sound like she's having a bad time, there's some part of her that's really conflicted about this - although there's always the possibility that she feels perfect and whole and complete and she's going to come home with a concret plan for leaving. I doubt it, but it's possible.
As for hoping that she'd come home realizing this was wrong and wanting to work on things, that's actually - at least intellectually - the furtheset thing from my mind as far as my expectations go. I expect her to have felt things that she has never felt before - heightened sexuality, emotional closeness. All the things that I thought were experiences that we would have had with each other alone I'm sure have happened between them but amplified. And if this doesn't suck them in even further, I don't know what will. I have always tried to maintain a really realistic outlook on things, discounting both my fantasy and my Ws fantasy version of reality. This is no different, and I have always tried to maintain that the end result of all of this does not dictate my future or self worth or anything. It's just that now there's so much more fodder for thinking negatively. It's the injustice of it all, the senselessness that really gets me. I keep thinking about how X decision of hers really doesn't make any sense. And this is a problem for me because I want to maintain my respect for her, but I have very little respect for her choices, and even though I try to be compassionate and understand why these are good choices to her, I can't find enough good reasons. I start to see her choices define her and consequently, I think I don't respect her as much as I'd like to.
I know, tomorrow's another day. I'm doing to go have some fun now, and despite the tone of this post, I'm really doing great, I just needed to vent a bit.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
