I got home to find that the cable company had cut our cable - the upstairs neighbor is moving out and they cut ours by mistake. I didn't get a chance to post. I was busy with my son for the most part anyway. It's funny because I'm so aware of my part in feeling horrible about things when I allow myself, or rather make myself feel bad. I'm a little nervous about how I'm going to sleep tonight. The surge of sickness/anger/rage that swelled up in me when I saw the condoms in her bag is not something I want to keep feeling. So I won't, when I can help it, but there's no telling what my subconscious will do.

One thing that really got in my head the other day, and I don't really think it is significant as far as how things will play out, is that my W said that even if they (W and OM) decide to call it off they plan to always remain friends. She just can't have him out of her life. My internal instant reaction to this was "Ok, well then I guess we're not going to work out." I know that none of us can see what the future holds, so this kind of talk is not something that I worry about. At some level, there will be an ultimatum type thing though, because I don't want to have a pathetic excuse for a marriage where she isn't committed to anything marriagewise (because that really REQUIRES no contact) and is just in it for the security and for our son. I don't want that. I guess the fact that in my own mind I didn't react with an appeasing thought, trying to accomodate her wants to hopefully get my own way is significant to me.

Another thing from over the weekend, and again yesterday, she made a comment about being my wife, saying that this entitled her to certain treatment. She said yesterday that she is still my wife and that it aint over till it's over. It's like she is going to or trying to milk her current situation for everything that it's worth without putting into the M what the M and I am entitled to. I say entitled, but that's not exactly what I mean, it's more that being married is an agreement to meet each other's needs. She's not really doing any of that. Although, in the past week or two she has been at the very least conscienscious of my feelings, and trying to be nice for my sake. I'll give her that.

She told me yesterday that she REALLY didn't like the person that I became when this was all going on. She thought I became very mean. I was amazed to hear this, because I was determined to act kindly towards her, and I know that I did. I didn't argue, even though she raged at me. I don't know if this is projection, or if she was painting me as the bad guy again so it wouldn't make her feel like such a horrible person to go take this trip. I wish that she would recognize the distinction between the person I am and the person she wants me to be because of how it helps her manage her emotions.


“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein