Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks GH. The trip starts today - I left for work and she won't be there when I get home at lunch time - and she'll be home Sunday night. I'm doing ok - it's a really beautiful morning, crisp and clear, 68 degrees. Really nice. Don't want to spoil it with my mental pollution.

Thanks for your words, I too think it's important to communicate, but it's difficult when your feelings are so at odds. I think this is where these conversations are either helpful or harmful - in that you can easily disrespect the feelings of your partner, even without meaning to and consciously trying not to, because you're trying to be aware of and articulate your own. We did ok there the night before.

Last night is a bit of a different story. She put the blinders on, and wasn't open like the previous night. I should have anticipated this, but I remained open, and I talked with her. She was a lot more negative about our R than the night before, even referring to our conversation as proof that I can't communicate because by the end of the conversation I was going in circles and she couldn't understand me. The night before she blamed this on her confusion and all the different thoughts spinning around in her mind. The one thing that really bugged me is that she talked about my smothering affectionate behavior, and how this was one of those things that have bothered her since we have been together. She seems to think that this is me, and that I can't and shouldn't have to change this. I think this is something that has to do with my own insecurity, and that it is something I need to resolve within myself. I don't think affection is bad, but rather what I'm trying to get out of it. To her, it's more the timing. For example, last night we went out in the car for a bit, and she told me that she thought I was being a bit weird again. I told her that I guess I couldn't be as overtly nice to her at the moment because I was managing some difficult emotions at the moment. She didn't really like that answer, because somehow she either thinks I'm superhuman and shouldn't treat her any way other than the way I want to, or she is so consumed with how she is feeling at the moment that she doesn't have room in her psyche for my feelings or state of mind. I'm betting on the latter. I told her that I still feel the same way about her and I was looking forward to a nice evening with her. Later on, she was sitting on the floor putting away some of S4s stuff and I came in and kissed her (in my effort to show her that I was ok and felt good about her). This apparently annoyed her because of the timing - it was inappropriate as she was doing something else. She later told me that she remembers a time when we first got together where she was doing dishes and I walked up behind her and hugged her and she thought "this is going to be a problem". She then said that this incompatability wouldn't be an issue if she was more invested in me, and that she hasn't been in a while.

So in light of this, it would be VERY easy to be discouraged. I initially reacted, but refused to dwell there and bounced back quite quickly. I realized that a lot of her motivation for thinking this had to do with justifying her actions (which she even admitted to trying very hard to minimize the importance of) and making herself feel better. She told me that she was viewing this step as a huge step, a big change, and that now she needs to see it as something insignificant and unimportant in order to eventually see it for what it is.

Well, I get to try out being a single dad for a few days - we'll see how that goes. I'm really looking forward to it, as it really will be a bit of a break from my life too. I almost hate to say it, but I'm looking forward to being without my W and her needs for a bit. Thanks for being there.