Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Things have been decent between us since yesterday. We had a talk yesterday that seemed to really churn up a lot of "old" stuff - I know, it's poor DBing, but it came up and we got into it. A lot of the old issues she had with the way I perceived and reacted to the A in the begining came up. One striking thing was that she felt I was overly concerned with appearing to be the "good guy" who was being victimized.

We got into quite a lot - and I don't think I could go into all of it here, but I'll try and hit on the points that stand out to me now. She told me that she wanted to be sure that I didn't see her doing this as the end for us, because she doesn't. And practically in the next breath, she says that she doesn't understand how I didn't see that our R was over long before this A started! I told her that I don't think that what happens in the past determines the future. She asked if I thought that once this A was in the past that it wouldn't be a factor in our R.

We talked about the fact that she was willfully crossing the line here, and she volunteered that she couldn't say it "just happened" and that this would change things. I think this is where the old justifications started coming up again. She kept telling me that I couldn't see this for what it was, that I saw it all as a fantasy. I told her that I wasn't concerned with what was happening between them, that that wasn't the focus to me because even if it dissapeared things wouldn't all of a sudden be right between us. She told me that she saw all of our problems, and that they spelled the end for us. I told her that I saw them too, and that through the past several weeks and months I have done my best to see these problems for what they were, not solely through my wishfully optimistic lenses.
I told her once again that I love her unconditionally and that I will love her no matter what she does, and regardless of our situation. I also told her that I have to look out for myself and that this doesn't mean I'm going to put up with her doing whatever she wants to. I told her that if I thought our relationship got to the point where it was unhealthy for me, I would end it, but I wouldn't stop loving her. I guess I want to be completely clear with her that I don't need her, and I'm not going to compromise myself beyond what I accept. I think this got across, although she was pretty emotional, and admitted that she was plenty confused and her head was spinning.
Anyway, I think this talk accomplished a lot in that WE both were able to put our focus on our R and not confuse the A with the problem. Even though this isn't big news to me, the fact that we can see eye to eye on this point is somewhat big. Lots of ILYs from her too. Affection too.
She acknowledges that this is painful for me, and she kept appologizing for it. It was quite rough though, because I kept feeling like I was always on the verge of saying something disrespectful to her, something judgemental that would push her away. She told me that she just had to do what was right by her. I did end up telling her that I didn't respect the choices she was making, and that I didn't like who she was choosing to be because of this. This didn't go over badly, surprisingly. I think she understood - but it did somewhat spark the good/bad dichotomy conversation.
It was very clear to me that she had no idea where I was in my mind relative to this whole situation. It's kind of promising that she was interested, and surprised to see my level of understanding, even though she didn't buy that I have been trying to be empathetic and compassionate. When she tried to tell me that I saw things completely wrong and that I didn't see things for what they were. I had no idea what was between them, so I couldn't judge this except relative to my emotions. I told her that I could judge this simply on the fact that she was having an inappropriate relationship while we were married. This brought around my point that what was between us had nothing to do with what was going on between them. It didn't justify anything.
She kept questioning my intentions, and she vocalized that she was fearful about what I would do while she wasn't here. I told her that I wanted to be married to her, and that I wanted to stay open to reconciliation, and that I wasn't going to jeopardize this by allowing myself to act based on reactive emotions. I did tell her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (I know, too much pressure, but I think it was appropriate given the conversation), to which she responded that I don't have anyone to compare her to!

Ok, if you've gotten this far, I'm amazed! I know that this talk went into a lot that we haven't been able to communicate about, and I think it accomplished a lot in that we might just be a little more on the same plane than we were. I know she's lost and she's trying VERY hard to shut out a lot of the thoughts that make this difficult for her. The thing that gets me is that she has been acting much more loving, giving me physical affection and caring for me through words and actions. I write this off somewhat to easing her guilt (and part of me is concerned that this is pity as well), but to me it is an expression of love. It's still there and while she's taking this huge step AWAY from us, she's taking several strides towards me as well.

I have an impending sense of doom, feeling a bit like I'm going to relive a bit of the trauma I went through initially - but I'm also determined to make great use of this time, remain appreciative of my life and everyone in it, and have fun. I have allowed myself to really enjoy being close to her again, and while this vulnerability is somewhat a risk (I can see benefits as well as detriments), I keep reminding myself that if we can help each other through this with genuine compassion and caring we stand a much better chance at the other end.

So, those are my ambivalent feelings and some recent events. Don't know what to expect going forward beyond having a lot of time to spend with my S4 that I can really focus on.