Well, I've backslid a bit since I last posted. Nothing too major (at least I hope) in the sense that it has or will hurt the sitch any. W has decided to go (only I found out today that she's not going overseas, but they're meeting somewhere in the US - I saw the amtrak window open). I can't say I am really surprised, even though all of her flip flopping gave me a bit of hope (and allowed me to find an excuse to attach myself to her actions - go ahead, slap my wrist). I knew while going through this that I shouldn't hope for anything - and I thought I was doing pretty well. Once she confirmed she was going, I did however start to feel hurt and angry. This is what I'm upset with myself for, and while I know it's normal and natural to feel this way, I thought I was in a better place. I guess part of this has to do with me allowing myself to become more vulnerable, in response to HER desiring this of me. She wanted the security of knowing I still love and care about her, and while I was distant she acted in a way to encourage me to act more like the "old" me - expressing my love through affection and attention, etc.
So anyway, this afternoon at lunch she tells me I've been weird to her for the past couple days - short answers, etc. - to which I responded: "this is not easy for me, and any weirdness from me is my effort to control my emotions, not punishment. Please try and understand where I'm coming from." To this she responded that it's not fun for her either, and that she's trying hard to manage her emotions and she doesn't know what to do to make it easier for me. She says she's been trying as hard as she can but it doesn't seem to make it any easier.
So, this is where things break down in my book. She's trying, and by trying she's being MORE affectionate, MORE loving, and she's told me she loves me on several occassions. If there were a clear cut "I'm leaving you, things between us suck and things between me and OM are going to make me happy" it would be much easier to manage my emotions. I guess this is why we try to take ALL the focus off of what our WASs are doing. I either fell off, or it's simply not possible to give to the degree I think I should be and NOT be detached to the point where this doesn't matter. I guess another real issue to me is that this is my W willfully stepping across a clear line after 7 plus months of existing over a somewhat vague one. She is deciding to become this person despite the fact that things are better between us and she is making plans for our near term future together, etc. She could say that the EA "just happened" but this is clearly a willful step.
I keep catching myself in these moments of anger, thinking things about her that I don't want to. I have been decently disciplined about stopping these thoughts, but it still is difficult to manage. Well, I need to get through this next week (she's leaving Wednesday, returning Sunday) and see where I am on the other side. What a ride.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
