Quote: In my experience when we, the males, are thinking about the sexual aspect of these A's the females aren't.
This is something I have read of often. I think in general it's true, but I'm not sure how much a sexual act will change how I think of her or them - this is difficult to predict. To me, what has happened so far is about as bad as it could be - my concern is more for her being bound to the fantasy that much more.
Quote: I wouldn't doubt your W is so caught up in the "romantic" notion that the sexual part isn't even in her head but it's sure as heck in yours (rightfully so). Therefore she's shocked that her trip might in some way change your view of her and the R.
She has told me many times in the past that "this is really going to change things" and "right now things are innocent, but if I go. . .". She has often maintained that because nothing physical has happened she isn't having an "affair". So, there's no doubt in my mind that this is a very significant line for her to be crossing. As for the sexual side of it, I have no doubt that this is a very large part of it, but I do think you are right in that she sees this lust as "something people in love do" rather than a motivating factor. So, no, I don't think she's "shocked" - I see that more as the way she is posturing herself, but yes, I do think that she is not putting the emphasis on the sexual acts (although I have no doubt this is a big fantasy too) but rather the romantic, emotional closeness is her motivation for the trip.
Quote: I'm so pleased to hear that her feelings for you (buzzed or not) are still there. Hope springs eternal (I think that's how that goes).
Thanks - I am glad to see them every now and again too!
Quote: P.S. just for the record, your cousin is an A-hole Muddle!
Oh really?! I hadn't noticed!!! You know, I have tried to find all sorts of compassion for him and forgiveness, and it helps me, but he just keeps on making the stupid decisions he is. I have lost not only a marriage that I thought was great, trust for the woman that was my best friend, an intact vision for where my life was headed, but I also lost my cousin, who was a good friend to me through the years. He and I were far closer than I am with any of my cousins in the US, and this makes it all that much harder. I maintain hope that my W and I will reconcile, and we can recover much of what I feel has been lost between us, but I have had to give up everything with regard to my cousin. That's difficult. Every once in a while my W tells me something about a family member out there not doing so well, and it hurts me that she's getting this information, not me. Oh well, what can you do?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
