Apparently, W has been having a really hard time with the trip too. She told me last night that she was (although I think it's more to do with the stress of doing anything in real life, than any strong guilt - maybe I'm not giving her enough credit). She asked me if I would always love her, which I told her I would, and she said "even if I go do this?". I told her again that I would, and she asked me if it would change things if she were to do it. I told her that it likely would because it was crossing a clear line, but that I wouldn't stop loving her. She told me she was surprised, because she didn't think it would make things change with us. WTF!!!! In writing this I am realizing that what we were talking about might have been subtly different in each other's minds, and we didn't really get this out into the open.
Anyway, she's been needing a lot more emotional support recently, in the form of hugs and stuff. I'm sort of ambivalent about giving her this sort of support, especially because I know the root of her vulnerability stems from the A. Oh well. She told me that she wished we could have retained more of our communication throughout this, meaning that she wishes there hadn't been a wedge forced between us, and that we could have gone on the way we were while she was exploring this!
Again, she told me that my cousin was having a really hard time with this. She asked me if I could ever love him again. I didn't give her much of an answer, other than to tell her that I didn't want to be hateful, so I was doing my best not to hate anyone.
Again she told me that my being nice to her makes doing this (taking THE trip) that much harder for her. She even told me "even if I go, I might not be able to do IT." But almost in the next breath she said that if she went she would have to have a good time.
She has been physically having trouble with manfestations of stress. I feel really bad for her, and when I told her that - in response to her telling me that she felt bad about "this" (she never will take responsiblity - it's always "this" force outside of her will) hurting me - she asked me if I was blaming her for doing it to herself. I told her that I wasn't, but rather I was being aware of how she was feeling and empathising.
This is such a hard line - being loving, expecting nothing, but also not giving her more than I should given our current R. I feel like I am starting to act on expectations (emotional, not rational) of her desire to return to our M. She even mentioned that she thought we would be having another baby right about now! She is so confused. I need to be a rock here, and I know that I have to act despite her moods or actions towards me. I have to truly give because I want to and not to get something in return.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
