My thread got locked out ( old thread ). Not a whole lot to report. The weekend was interesting. My FIL stayed with us as we had a wedding to go to. W and I went out and had a few drinks with people after the wedding and when we got home, W was a little buzzed. She kissed me passionately over and over, telling me that she was so sorry about the situation, that she felt really bad that it was hurting me. She kept telling me that I was too good a person and that I deserved someone who would treat me the way I deserve to be treated. She kept expressing that she is torn because she doesn't want to destroy what we have, but she feels a sense of belonging to OM and feels that she CAN'T end it. She says that it would be destroying a part of herself (a very accurate statement considering the one sided fantasy I view this as), and that she just doesn't have the strength. I didn't lead any of this conversation on, in fact I listened and validated where I could. She told me she loved me several times, but the first time she did, I could tell she had to really fight with herself to overcome this block.

It was nice to have this closeness again, and I really felt that it was somewhat normal. I didn't concern myself too much with what it meant, even though I'm posting it here as a pretty significant event . I didn't allow it to give me a high, as I would have early in the sitch. I do think it confirms that there's still a lot of hope (as if I needed more confirmation) but I need to keep my expectations in check.

Apparently, my cousin has been really having a hard time with the proposed meeting of the two of them. Somewhere, I have always felt that he was spineless and was happy using this sitch the way it was, but wouldn't want to "make it real." Who knows, maybe they will. W told me that he wanted to write to me recently. Not sure how I would take that, and I'm not sure how I take his desire to have contact with me, even though it could be something he has told her just to make him look like a good and decent human. Again, not something I spend time thinking about.

I am in a good place - I feel confident in myself, healthy, making good decisions. I have been getting along with my W much better (W said to me the other day: "How come when I treat you nicely we get along so well?" - well, duh!) and have been leading a much more fulfilling life. I can't tell you the last time I felt left out, or like I didn't have anything to do because W, or someone else backed out of plans. I have been valuing each and every minute of my life and I don't feel anything has been wasted at this point.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein