I'm ill today, as in frustrated. I sit here and think about why and I don't really have a rational reason to be. It seems when my W and I get together, everything just melts away, we are both happy and have fun, but then when we both have to go back to our temporary seperate lives, my detachment starts to slowly return, hers also to some degree. After a day or two I start thinking suspiscious thoughts and wonder if I am being led along again. At this point, I am fairly sure this is all irrational thinking, because 'action' has shown different. I guess my feelings and trust are a little raw.
When this whole thing began, I tried to focus on only the positive aspects of what was going on and ignore the negative. Mostly to keep my spirits up. Now that there seems to be a whole lot more positive than negative, I seem to be looking for any sign that something deceatful is going on. I must be in protection mode.
The only reason I have for feeling this way is phone calls. We talk in e-mail all day when we are both at work, and she will usually call me a couple of times 'when she is on the road', but I rarely get phone calls in the evening just to talk for a while. The last 2 times she said she would call me in the evening, she didn't. The last one was for good reason, if thats what really happened. Yesterday we talked at about 3pm and she just said she would talk to me tomorrow.
I know this sounds petty, and it is, but it is out of 'normal' behavior in my opinion. She could tell I was a little irritated by it last night, so this morning I get a call at 6:30am, her telling me she was sick again, but this time it was over some asian food and yes, her blood sugar was a little high again.
I just feel manipulated sometimes. Maybe at this point I am over cautious. It's just, when someone professes all these feelings for you, seems only natual they would want to talk a lot to you and spend a lot of time with you. Even though things are 10x better on the surface, i'm not seeing all the 'little things' i would think i would see.
Anyway, hopefully the letter will reach SD13 today. If not today, tomorrow. This will be a big step getting those issues worked out. I hope the letter makes a difference. I haven't talked to my W about any of these feelings. Things 'seem' to be going good and I want to try and just deal with it myself right now, cause by tomorrow they could go away.
Just feeling a lot of anxiaty today for some reason.
Learn to laugh at it. People are people and everyone is human. Choose how you will act and don't re-act.
