I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, giving the just of different things and if anyone needs details I will expand on them in future posts. I hope some women who have been in this situation can enlighten me some.
HISTORY OF THE SIT(short version).
My wife and I physically seperated March 31(nothing legal). I found out she was leaving about 2 weeks before through a sense and asking her. The last two weeks she was home we talked a lot and I felt we made a lot of progress, however she still felt she needed to leave and did. I asked her point blank if she was still in love with me and she said yes. I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said yes. The foundation for the seperation stems from a lack of attension on my part and trust issues on her part. We both brought some baggage in from our previouse marriages.
Anyway, after she moved out, things stayed fairly positive, we still went to church together and were even together physically a few times. I had immediately found this site, purchased the DB books and started applying the methods. About a month into the seperation I found a text message on her phone from a guy she works with saying he was on his way to her house and he would see her soon. This was on a sunday night, late. She denied it was anything and said he was coming by to pick something up. I knew this was bull. The next day through e-mail we agreed we should end the marriage as peacefully and as quietly as possible. I told her ok, that I loved her, hoped she would be happy someday and I would always remember the 5 years we had together. Well then I went dark. She started e-mailing me through the week sad about the whole thing, telling me "I do love you" or asking me how I was doing. I would only give her short answers, like, 'I'm OK'. That friday she called me crying asking what happen and why did things get so screwed up and asked me to go out with her saturday. We went, had a great time and ML. She told me leaving she just had to work through this and get over her anger to be able to trust me with her heart again.
After that day, the next two months seem to show great progress. We even went to the beach together on my birthday, however, something inside of me knew something wasn't right. Her words just didn't match her actions and there were times when I was with her I could sense guilt or 'something'. Finally, one night, a voice inside me said, go check on her. I had never done this. I am all too familiar with ignorance is bliss. But it just wouldn't go away. I drove the 40 miles to check on her on a sunday night at 12 and found the guy she works with at her place. My 13yo SD there too. During this time I had been working on myself per DB'ing and making huge progress especially in my spirtual life. If it hadn't been for God being there for me that night I have no idea how it would have gone. I rang the doorbell and calmly asked her to come out. She came out. She didn't even seemed to be very shocked I was there and really showed no alarm at being caught. We sat in the driveway and talked about an hour. All I wanted to know was why she led me along all this time and just didn't end it with me. All she could say was because she loved me and she would never love another like me. This makes no sense to me. How can you love someone that much and do these things. She said she just didn't want to be alone and that this guy and her just had fun and laughed.
Towards the end of the conversation she touched me and asked me to just give her a little bit more time. I said time for what? She said she was going to 'Take care of this' meaning end the relationship and she was looking for another job. I told her I didn't know if I could wait on her when she was in a relationship with someone else, just to find out months down the road it was over anyway because she wasn't doing antyhing to even try to save our marriage.
That was three weeks ago. She wrote me and told me the next day she realized that I didn't want to wait on her and she understood and told me I should just move on. I told her as far as I was concerned the last 5 years was over but I didn't know what the future held and if she worked through it to let me know.(didn't burn the bridge)
I tried to go dark again but then she would bombard me with her feelings for me telling me she couldn't stand the thought of me moving on and being with someone else. Her, " I want this marriage to work, but I don't know what to do." changed to stuff like, I just need to work through this, without the buts. For the last 3 weeks I have been solely working on trying to learn to be happy with just being by myself and playing a support role with her. I didn't give permission for the affair or support it, only told her I understand she is human and if she ever wanted to repair our marriage it would be forgiven and never brought up again.
MY QUESTION
A few of my closest friends know about all of this and say the same things. "She just doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you." or "She is just stringing you along." She is a VERY posessive person, always has been. But, she is so wishy washy I have no idea how to handle it. She tells me she loves me and misses me everyday, but has no desire to see me. I told her I just wanted to support her anyway I can, but other than that I leave her alone. I'm not even sure this is about so much about me anymore. When she says our relationship is just so screwed up and she doesn't know how to fix it, I wonder if she means, she has done so much to break it now she doesn't feel like she can come back to it. I don't know.
I can tell she still needs attension from me. If I cut my attension off she will txt me, e-mail me and try to get a response. If i don't respond she tries to put me on a guilt trip by saying things like, 'I thought you said you would always be there for me'. She says the loving things I say to her helps her through the healing process, but I just wonder if it is some warped need of hers, or she wants her cake and eat it too. She always says something real positive to me on fridays, like she is trying to keep me from dating or something. I called her on that and told her I wasn't going to play any games.
So any insight would be appreciated. I know she is still seeing this guy, although she tries to hide it from me. I have caught her in several lies. I am not angry actually. I look at it has she really needs help. She was brought up in a very strict christian home and this goes against everything she supposedly believes in.
Can anyone give me some insight into what she is doing, or why she is doing it? Anything legal would be simple for us, no kids and nothing finacial to split, so I know she is not hanging on to 'get something'. I have told her that all she has to do is tell me she doesn't want me and I will go away. She has never told me she doesn't want me or wants out of the marriage. Weird?
FEW EXAMPLES OF WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME
(I asked her why she wanted more time) Because of my love for you. I am desperately trying to 'forgive' you, for lack of a better word, find a way to be able to trust you again - not only with my heart but with practical every day stuff, and make our marriage work.
(She was explaining about something that happened before we got married, here was the end) Well guess what - I'm still not sorry I fell in love with you and married you. The only thing I'll be sorry about is if you won't be mine forever.
(I asked her if she had a plan for us) You asked me if I had a plan. I just told it to you. I just have to work thru this. I invested several years into you - I don't think its unfair for me to ask for a few months. (this while she is with another man?, slap in the face)
(Here is the best in 4 months, she said this after I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her feel better cause she was sad. This was the day before a weekend though)
You could say that you could absolutely assure me that when the house sells you would come up here, sweep me off my feet, love me and desire me more than anything else, and things would never be the same as before again.
So, anyway, I know this has been very long. Any advice much appreciated.
Learn to laugh at it. People are people and everyone is human. Choose how you will act and don't re-act.
