Went to my Moms! I had to get out of this house. . . sitting here staring at the phone was driving me NUTSO!
I went over and Felina played and I ate lunch . . and they gave me a whole bunch of stuff that they have gotten at yardsales for the girls.
I still feel a little low . . . I hate all this being alone all the time. Even spending time with my family isn't the same as time spent with my H. I know it makes up a little but . . . nothing can really take that place.
I wish I could go of town to a store or a movie . . .or with a friend ANYTHING . . . But everyone is busy. Everyone except me . . . since I haven't found a job yet (pickin' are slim in this little area I live in.) At the end of the month a job at the little local store/deli that my friend works at part time after her full time is going to be opening up because one of the girls is leaving. So I'll apply there once he hangs his "help wanted" sign back up!
I'm trying not to freak out. I certainly don't want to give him the upper hand. I just hate that I think about him and I feel like I know that he NEVER thinks about me because he is with his his future wife.
The next future EX Mrs. XXXXXXXXX LOL nice.
Hope no one placed bets against me. Cause you lose at least for today
Quote: I just hate that I think about him and I feel like I know that he NEVER thinks about me because he is with his his future wife.
That's not true. He can't stop thinking about you, I'm sure. Since it matters to you (and I'll keep praying that you get to the point where you don't give a @#&^% what he thinks), try to get him thinking about how about what a good person you are. Let him miss you and worry about you (keep in mind that he can't miss you if you call him).
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Please realize that this man does not deserve you right now. OR the girls. He's beneath you. And until HE chooses to make himself worthy, he can stick with that tramp he's running with.
Let God make you into the woman He means for you to be...
Perhaps it takes separating you and Kevin for a while....
I am still a little stressed but I don't feel half as bad. I don't know why I want to call him so badly. It's only been 4 days since I've seen him and 3 since we talked. I guess it all has to do with losing him to the OW. If he was going to just be miserable by himself I guess it would be a different story. But he doesn't have to feel anymore pain because he's got in justified in his head as he tried to come back and I make him unhappy and she makes him happy. So he's made the right decision. If he does start to miss me he'll remind himself of that. That he doesn't feel he can be away from her. Because he fell in love with her last. He's loved me longer so it's not all the emotional infatuation crap. With her it's fresh and new and spicy if you will. I understand that our bonds were stronger . . but they've been building those same bond for 8 months now. I guess that's why it hurts.
Why can't I just not care like you said RB. I wish I could snap my fingers and make my feelings for him go away . . like he has for me. That's why it hurts. It's like getting hit in the face with a ton of bricks. I knew she was a threat . . . but never in my life did I actually think she would "win". I thought our marriage and two kids proved that he loved me. . . boy was I wrong.
I understand that he's not "worthy" of me right now . . . but I'm worried it'll never get fixed. Maybe now it really is too broken. I guess I could deal with it being unfixable if he wasn't going to get remarried and possibly live happily ever after. I mean if he does get remarried and live happily . . then that will just prove that it was all my fault this marriage didn't work. I don't want to face that. How will I deal with that?
I just wanted to add that when the mail came today I about passed out.
I got a HUGE orange folder type envelope . . . I thought my H had actually filed for the D and never told me (more lies . . what should I be surprised?) . . . BUT . . .
WHEW . . . It was just a bunch of book things for 0 month - 1 year from the department of public welfare because I just had the baby. When I saw the mail guy put it in my box though . . . OH GOD . . . it took me awhile to work up the nerve to go out and actually get the mail. A LONG WHILE! I feel silly now. I mean if I get the papers there's nothing I can do about it. I should still have the right to make him wait the 2 years for the irrevicable breakdown no fault divorce. THANKS FOR THAT AMY!!!!!!
I am just dreading knowing that he is THAT serious about it all. YIKES! Will the rollercoaster NEVER end????
Quote: I guess I could deal with it being unfixable if he wasn't going to get remarried and possibly live happily ever after. I mean if he does get remarried and live happily . . then that will just prove that it was all my fault this marriage didn't work. I don't want to face that. How will I deal with that?
Ah, let's return to the good ole standby of blame and fault. Emily, if you are ever to be truly happy, you're going to have to learn to let go of the past. The fact that your marriage is ending says nothing about how good or bad you are as a person. You are only a failure as a person if you choose to be. Nothing that has happened can prevent you from having the life of peace and joy that you desire, if you make the commitment to achieve it.
Emily, you absolutely need to change your focus, and I think that there are two things that would really benefit you, though you certainly don't have to take my advice (as you know, since I don't think you've taken any so far):
1. Get some girlfriends who will do things with you. Either find some other young moms, or some single girls who like kids, and go shopping or swimming or bowling ... or anything. If you form more close friendships with other women, you'll "need" your H less.
2) Get involved in a church ministry of other form of service. I don't know how difficult this is with your dad, but if it's difficult to go there, you may need to go somewhere else, but you need to actually be doing something beyond your family to make the world a better place. If you can start focusing on helping others and seeing their needs, your own needs seem much smaller. If you're involved in a program to help feed needy people, for example, you'll feel grateful that you have food to eat, and God will bless you and reward you for your service.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I just feel like it is all MY fault. I don't know how to let him "own" his mistakes . . because he won't . . he'll run from them as long as he possibly can . . so I feel like I am left picking up ALL the pieces. I do understand what you are saying about just letting go. I guess I only feel like I can't let go of all of the past . . because the D is present . . well I guess technically future. But you know what I mean dontacha?
I really do have a GREAT group of friends . . .we are just all at that point where they are wrapping up school and starting to move and what not. I do have plans for Sunday or Monday . . actually not too sure of which yet. To go up to the farm and ride again. My friend just bought a horse (arrived the last time I went to ride) and he pulls (as in a cart) so we are going to take him out in the cart and probably ride as well. Should be good time. She's in the play . . . the one I went to see last Sunday. So that's tonight through Sat. night. Tomorrow like I said we get up and leave around 7 to go to Hershey for the ultrasound on Kiya's kidneys. . . PRAY FOR MY BABY!
Right now that is weighing the heaviest on my mind. . . . I am just torn up about my babies health. I'm wondering if it didn't have a lot to with my freak out this morning. I mean it's easier to worry about my H being with OW because it's not the life of my baby. Once again do you understand where I am coming from?
It is hard for me to get to church. I don't feel that I "get anything" from going with my Dad. But it's hard as of yet for me to go alone. Give me a little bit to get my license and then it will be a different story. I went with a friend a few weeks ago . . . but her work schedule doesn't let her go every week. I will work on that though RB . . you have my word *not that it means much to ya*
So . . . I don't know . . pray for my daughter.
Well the day is almost over and I haven't called . . I have no desire to tonight. Good thing for all of you! Thanks guys. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
OH MY GOSH . . . I just stumbled on to "our" old website . . (our meaning I made it and he told me what to put LOL)
you all should go check out these two pages if you have time and want a smile . . .
Page About Me The page listed above was created in 2002 . . and NEVER touched again . . . so it talks about him leaving for 2 months. That was when he went to boot camp (Marines) and got sent home because of a bad heart.
Pictures of H and I These are just cute pictures.
Prom and then I was pregnant with Felina in the one from July 2004.
