I am just so hurt. I mean I can survive the divorce but why does it have to be for her. That's what I don't get. Why can't I be as good as she is.
I know that I should take the "high road" with kids guys . . but I don't think I have the strength to climb the hill to get on that damn high road right now.
He's hurt me soo badly. I want him to feel that hurt. He may not really love the girls the way I do . . . but damn it it'll hurt him not see them. I want him to hurt. I know it's wrong. I am trying . . really.
I am trying to let go and let God. . . . but it's sooo hard. When I am so out of control of my sitch . . . and I feel like I am giving him EVERYTHING. I have nothing except these girls . . . and if I can't at least keep them to myself . . then what do I have? NOTHING. He gets to move right on into her arms. He moved there 8 months ago. I've been loving him. He's only tried to come back because of his "responsibilities" I think . . . I HATE HIM. He doesn't love me. It's really over. I am trying to come to terms. BUT . . . it's hard.
I don't want to except that I am not as good as her. I wanted to "win" . . even though he's not much of a prize.
I just keep thinking about all the crap I have to go through from here. I keep thinking about everything the girls will have to go through. It's so unfair. I know that life isn't fair. I know that nothing is ever perfect. BUT DAMN IT . . I LOVED HIM.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to get my head right. HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .
