Quote: I don't understand why things can't be fair. Like I don't understand why he couldn't love me as much as I love him. I don't understand why I am NEVER good enough . . NEVER
This is NOT about YOU!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
How Muddle? It's my life . . it's my marriage . . it's me that's getting left behind so that he can have new babies with some other women. How can it not be about me. It's me that wasn't good enough for him.
I'm just so hurt . . How can it not be about the things that I am not and the things that I did wrong.
I don't want to sound mean or anything but you need to find something to keep you busy. Stop looking into anything that has to do with your H. All it is going to do is upset you more. You need to let go of that. You need to get out and get a hobby. Take the girls for a walk or something. I know it is hard with 2 little ones but you need to get out of your townhouse once in awhile. Take them window shopping. Anything to get you away from being alone. When you are alone your mind will do anything it can to make you think awful things.
I know you are a strong woman and can do this. You just need to take the first step toward it. Acceptance is the first thing you need to do. Right now your H (the ungrateful "censor") is winning. If you stay inside the cocoon you have made then he knows he has you where he wants you. Show him that you don't care (I know you do) and that you are moving on with your life. You will be surprised in how you start dealing with the situation. Your H will notice a new you. So what if he has OW right now. There isn't anything you can do about that. The more you hound him, the more he will stay with her. This is his way of getting back at you. Let him think it doesn't bother you.
I want to see you come out on top. I know you can do it.
Did you contribute to this? Maybe, by setting contributing to conditions that made his A an option, not by causing him to decide the way he did.
Did you make him choose what he did? NO
You are blaming yourself for his choices. His weaknesses.
It's not you that wasn't good enough, it's him - he wasn't and isn't good enough to stay faithful, or to live up to the responsibility he has chosen to take on.
He is choosing to do wrong because of his own faults, not yours. Let him own this, don't do it for him. It won't do either of you any good if you do.
You are hurt, yes, and you likely have regrets about how you have acted, but please know that no matter how bad you think you were it doesn't excuse him for the choices he has made and continues to make. He makes his choices on his own. He would like very much for you to be the reason he is running - the fact is you aren't. He has tried how many times now to reconnect? If you were the problem, would he? YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE!
You don't know what will come in the future - don't presume to. This is where most of our pain comes from: trying to see what will come. Give that up, to God or fate or luck, but give it up, because the only thing you can know is what you are doing right now, and where you intend it to get you down the road.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I am just so hurt. I mean I can survive the divorce but why does it have to be for her. That's what I don't get. Why can't I be as good as she is.
I know that I should take the "high road" with kids guys . . but I don't think I have the strength to climb the hill to get on that damn high road right now.
He's hurt me soo badly. I want him to feel that hurt. He may not really love the girls the way I do . . . but damn it it'll hurt him not see them. I want him to hurt. I know it's wrong. I am trying . . really.
I am trying to let go and let God. . . . but it's sooo hard. When I am so out of control of my sitch . . . and I feel like I am giving him EVERYTHING. I have nothing except these girls . . . and if I can't at least keep them to myself . . then what do I have? NOTHING. He gets to move right on into her arms. He moved there 8 months ago. I've been loving him. He's only tried to come back because of his "responsibilities" I think . . . I HATE HIM. He doesn't love me. It's really over. I am trying to come to terms. BUT . . . it's hard.
I don't want to except that I am not as good as her. I wanted to "win" . . even though he's not much of a prize.
I just keep thinking about all the crap I have to go through from here. I keep thinking about everything the girls will have to go through. It's so unfair. I know that life isn't fair. I know that nothing is ever perfect. BUT DAMN IT . . I LOVED HIM.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't know how to get my head right. HERE WE GO AGAIN . . .
I think you're doing a lot better, I really do. You just need to keep at it, and you can.
Quote: He's deleted me from his friends and he's changed his profile so that it revoles around her.
What's he gonna do next, write about you in his slam book and tell you that you can't sit at the "cool" lunch table anymore? His actions are those of a 12 year old, seriously. Don't let it bug you and don't stoop to his level.
Myspace is very bad for your state of mind. I know it's important to you because of your friends... but checking up on him does you nothing but harm. If you let it.
When you feel this way, I want you to remember one thing: you are pining for a man who didn't even have the stones to say goodbye to his children. That's no man, believe me. He's not worthy of you or those kids.
I can tell from the way you don't like certain things that were said last week... that you do have a lot of pride. Use that pride and shake him off like the dirt that he is right now.
One more thing... and please don't take this as anything other than my sincere desire to help keep you out of the pit. I think you would do wonderfully with something for your anxiety. There are anti-depressants that also are designed for obsessive-compulsive thinking. I say from personal experience that they can do wonders. Please talk to your OB. I know you are worried about being on something for "depression," but no court in the world could fault you for taking something to help the anxiety, considering the crap you've been dealing with.
Take care and don't do anything you'll regret. Please do not call or email him. It won't help at all.
Last edited by survivinginchicago; 08/02/0601:58 PM.
Emily21, I'm smiling as I'm reading your thread. Some of the things others are posting to you are the same as you are posting to me on my thread! That just shows that we all know the talk but find the walk much harder (no criticism intended). My problem is that each time I think I have got stronger, detached more, etc etc something very minor happens that makes me spiral right back down to the beginning. If you had told me last week that my H briefly touching my hand whilst taking an object out of it would have me on the verge of suicide I'd have laughed at you but that is where I find myself today! So do what others have suggested and forgive yourself for whatever wrongs you feel you have done. It's what I am trying to do right now b/c I realise that although I might be saying I forgive H if I don't forgive myself first for my part in my M going sour all it will be is words and we all have plenty of them.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
One more time: you don't know what will happen in the future. There's no need to resign yourself to anything more than accepting what is happening NOW. He is gone NOW - he might not stay gone. I know you are angry at him, but I think you are more angry with yourself. Forgive yourself. Work on truly loving and nurturing yourself before you worry about anything or anyone else. If, God forbid, something happened to your kids, you WOULD have something very special - and that's you. Now you need to work on finding, embracing and nurturing the growth of all that is so special and unique about you. You seem to find all of your self worth in what others think of you, and this simply is not true. You are worth far more than that.
This OW is no better than you are, in fact she's far lower and less of a woman than you. This is why he feels comfortable with her now, because he's not threatened being the low person his choices have made him when he's with her. You are the better person just by the nature of the role you are in in this situation. Own that. Prove that with every action you take.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
What's he gonna do next, write about you in his slam book and tell you that you can't sit at the "cool" lunch table anymore? His actions are those of a 12 year old, seriously. Don't let it bug you and don't stoop to his level.