You have to let go of the "what ifs". You can not worry about that right now. Don't even think of the future. Just live in the present. Forget the past also. You can only live day to day right now. When you go to bed at night you can say you made it through another day.
All you are going to do is drive yourself bananas!!! I know this. I did the same thing. I went through the what ifs and I didn't get any further than you are. I no longer think about that. Of course I want my H to come home but right now my goal is to become really good friends with my H. It is like starting over. If you want anything salvaged from your marriage, you need to let go of the past and work on the present.
