I understand your concerns, and I shared them at one time. I was extremely depressed and I was in a psychiatric day programme at a local hospital for a month; I had to take a month off work. I was really worried about this and spoke to my L. She said that if he continued to leave the children with me (he did) that he couldn't use it later on in court b/c either:
1 - I am a fit parent; he proved that he thought so by leaving them with me;
OR
2 - He knew I was unfit and left them with me anyway.
Either way, it's lose-lose for him. If you are taking meds and he leaves the kids with you, even if he doesn't know, he is essentially saying that he believes you are a capable mother.
He sounds completely confused right now. I think it might be a good time to just go as dark as you can. You MUST find a way to not call him or text him. How about texting but then not sending it? Or just writing down what you want to say in an email and not sending it? You need to get it out of your system, but he is triggering your negative emotions right now. Just the sound of his voice can set you off. Avoiding talking to and seeing my H for a month really, really turned my life around. I did that in Oct. I sent him one email a week for a couple of months actually, just outlining weekly schedule, never called, only saw him for a minute or so at pick-up/drop-off. The first few days were incredibly hard. I'd been calling every day to cry or yell at him (this was during my depression).
Emily, I know you're a strong person. Just a month ago, you were so much more sure of yourself. You have to get back there. How have things with your mother been since Kiya was born? Are they any better?
Did you ever check out Flylady? I think a routine would really help you here, as it'll keep you busy and you won't have to time to think about Kevin. He's acting very strangely and I really think this would be a good time to stay away from him unless you can be supportive.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Thank Nicola! It won't be a problem to go dark. My H is getting a new phone this week and won't be giving me the number so I won't have any way to contact him even if one of his daughters was like dying or something. I know that dramatic . . . but it really makes me angry. Is it considered abandonment?
I wouldn't be calling him anyway. I really feel that I have nothing left to say to him. Nothing. I want him to keep in touch for the girls. Kiya has that ultrasound on the 4th and Felina's b-day is on the 10. So we'll find out (hopefully this time) whether or not Kiya has to have surgery. You'd think he'd want to know. Felina will be two . . . I know she doesn't care yet . . but I don't want to have to fake a card from her dad every year with $5 in it so she doesn't think that he's forgetten all about her and doesn't love her.
I mean I know how I felt growing up without my biological parents . . . and I had parents that at least tried to love me. So if one parent is just missing and doesn't ever bother with you . . . wow . . . I can't imagine how that would feel.
It's not my kids faults . . it's so unfair they have to go through this.
Yup . . . I have nothing left to say to him. Nothing nice that's for damn sure.
Well folks . . I've realized that I've been fighting a battle that I cannot win. I've been fighting to keep my marriage together . . I've ben fighting only for my H. He moved on . . . has been for 8 months now. That breaks my heart. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with that man. I really did. Big plans all thrown away . . . crumpled and gone.
NOW . . . I get move on with MY life. It's hard. I don't know exactly what to do with myself. It's hard to start with a clean slate after 4 years with him . . . I feel for those of you married 10/20 + . . .
I have to start to fight the battle for Emily . . I just don't know how. How do I fight for something that I never really had. I never really had my own plans. I mean I guess I must have . . . but I was so young . . that your plans constantly change.
Now . . I feel like I've wasted 4 years that I could have been doing some productive and I wouldn't have two angels hanging in the balance depending on me who could never quite keep it all together any way.
I do NOT want to let them down . . I just don't know where to start.
I mean . . where the heck do I start? One day at time . . .
Sorry you are going through this. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are young and have two beautiful babies that you care a lot for. Don't worry about the AD thing right now - I think nicola said he has abandoned you and the girls. He really has no leg to stand on. If you need to make yourself feel better about this, document when he left and anything he has said to you. Document any time he has come to see you and the girls. Put dates and times if you can remember. Sometimes this activity is helpful and can rest your mind if you still feel worried about him fighting you for the girls.
Quote: I do NOT want to let them down . . I just don't know where to start.
I mean . . where the heck do I start? One day at time . . .
The only way you would let them down is if you don't do anything. So yes - one day at a time. Maybe even one hour at a time. I know you feel like you have wasted time - but Emily you are still very young (okay now I am feeling old ....) at 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make it what you want!
Will there be struggles along the way? YES Will it be easy? NO Will there be times you want to give up? YES But will it all be worth it in the end? YEEEESSSSSSSS!
If you are someone that has always had a man in your life, then don't worry about needing someone in your life right now. You can still stand for your marriage (even if your H is a jacka$$). IMHO the most important thing for you to do is focus on yourself. Be happy completely with Emily. By the time you do this work, you can reassess your M and R - explore your feelings.
Emily here are some things to think about that I got from a Dr. Phil book. I think it is called Life Strategies or Strategies something like that. They may help get you in the mindset of how to create the Emily you have always wanted:
Life Strategies: "Ten Laws of Life"
Life Law #1: You Either Get it or you Don't. Strategy: Become one of those who gets it.
Life Law #2: You Create Your Own Experience Strategy: Acknowledge and Accept Accountability for Your Life
Life Law #3: People Do What Works Strategy: Identify Payoffs That Drive Your Behavior and That of Others
Life Law #4: You Cannot Change What You Do Not Acknowledge Strategy: Get Real With Yourself About Life and Everybody In It
Life Law #5: Life Rewards Action Strategy: Make Careful Decisions and Then Pull The Trigger
Life Law #6: There is No Reality; Only Perception Strategy: Identify the Filters Through Which You View The World
Life Law #7: Life is Managed; It Is Not Cured Strategy: Learn to Take Charge of Your LIfe
Life Law #8: We Teach People How to Treat Us Strategy: Own, Rather Than Complain About, How People Treat You
Life Law #9: There is Power in Forgiveness Strategy: Open Your Eyes to What Anger and Resentment Are Doing to you
Life Law #10: You Have to Name It Before You Can Claim It Strategy: Get Clear About What you Want and Take Your Turn
Thanks sooo much Santhony! You really are my Bosley. Next time I have a few extra dollars I'll have to hop on e-bay and see if I can't pick up a copy of that book. I love Dr. Phil . . I watch the show almost everyday!
I'm reading "Live, Laugh, Love Again" (A Christian Woman's Survival Guide To Divorce) . . . It's been helping A LOT.
This is a terrible thing . . . I don't understand how anyone can be so mean. That's how I feel . . like my H is just being downright mean. I would NEVER treat him like this. Although by me allowing him to walk all over me over and over . . I guess I've been "teaching" him it's OK to be that way.
I know I'll be alright . . it's just so hard to figure out what to do and where to go from here. I just don't know what to do with myself. I guess I have a little time to figure that all out though.
Quote: I wouldn't have two angels hanging in the balance depending on me who could never quite keep it all together any way.
NOONE ON GODS GREEN EARTH IS PERFECT , JUST GET UP EVERY MORNING LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SMILE. SAY TO YOURSELF.... WHAT CAN I DO TODAY THAT WILL MAKE MY LIFE BETTER?, EVERDAY YOU WILL BE CLOSER TO BEING WHO YOU NEED TO BE. ITS A STRUGGLE. BUT I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.XOXO ALI GOD BLESS...
Emily, you don't know how because you have no experience in doing for yourself, BY yourself. If you take ANYTHING away from the board today, make it that you understand just how WONDERFUL this can be for you. You are completely free to do what you want, EVEN WITH TWO GIRLS. You CAN make something of yourself and you don't need any man to do that for you. It will be hard at times, but you know what, you just need to get past the hard times.
When we say you need to make yourself happy, we are not talking about dating or finding a new man, we are talking about things like continuing your education, finding out if there are hobbies that you like, go to movies with friends, etc. We are talking about getting the most out of life because you are being a GREAT MOM AND A GREAT INDEPENDENT WOMAN. Those two things don't necessarily go hand in hand. Many great moms sacrifice their entire lives to be moms. Don't think about it that way. If you do first what's best for your babies and THEN remember to also do what's good for you, I think the energy you get from being a happy, whole person can add to your kids' lives, just like being a happy, whole woman can add to your relationship with H or any other man in the future. You only NEED yourself and your kids, everyone else is WAY secondary at this point.
Quote: You only NEED yourself and your kids, everyone else is WAY secondary at this point
I know it GH . . . I really do.
I'm so damn scared of being alone. I mean I could sit and talk to my H for an hour or two on the phone . . I don't know anyone else who I feel comfortable being that open with. I mean sure I have a good time with my girl friends and I talk to them about certain things . . . but I guess I just never feel like I get EVERYTHING out.
I'm starting to miss him . . . I'm starting to want to lay down and cry again. Please pray for me . . I don't want to lose this peace. I guess maybe I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed . . and I'd like to just hear my H's voice again. Wow . . this is such a tricky ride.
Keep a notebook on how often your H sees the kids. If he says he is coming and doesn't, write it down. This will come in handy later down the road. Whether you are on AD's or not, it will show that you are the main person in your kids lives and that your H comes around when and only when he wants.
Listen to what GH says, because it makes a lot of sense.
Quote: When we say you need to make yourself happy, we are not talking about dating or finding a new man, we are talking about things like continuing your education, finding out if there are hobbies that you like, go to movies with friends, etc. We are talking about getting the most out of life because you are being a GREAT MOM AND A GREAT INDEPENDENT WOMAN.
Okay - this is the lesson that many of our WAS need to learn. Happiness is not something that is gained by buying things, getting into a relationship again, or sex. These are many of the activities many WASs or MLCers do because they think they will improve their happiness. This is not happiness - this is more of gratification or immediate gratification.
What GH is saying (and I have read this in a relationship book as well) is that happiness in your life is achieved through growth. When you grow as a person you become satisfied with this growth and therefore happiness is born. Happiness comes from within. Because of what you have gone through - you are growing. I said it before - you are learning right now what others of the same age may not learn until much later in life. You have a chance to mold yourself into the new Emily you want to be. Work on your growth - in any area you want. With this growth will come happiness. For example, if someone gave you a new car right now (once you get that license! ) it might contribute to your happiness. But continuing your education can lead to a better job where you can make money. Then you go out and make a decision to spend your hard earned money on a new car - one you have always wanted brings so much more personal satisfation. Why? Because you acheived growth in your professional life that led to being to get something you couldn't before - for yourself. This is just a small example and this can occur in all areas of your life.
Define what you want. Start small, start slow. You don't need Dr. Phil's book to follow the life strategies. I listed them out for you and they are self explanatory. The book may be good if you want to dive deeper into how you got where you are. But this is a good list of strategies to follow so you can get where you want to go. Print them out and follow them. Here's a few to focus on:
Life Law #2: You Create Your Own Experience Strategy: Acknowledge and Accept Accountability for Your Life
You create this experience - no one else does.
Life Law #5: Life Rewards Action Strategy: Make Careful Decisions and Then Pull The Trigger
Life Law #10: You Have to Name It Before You Can Claim It Strategy: Get Clear About What you Want and Take Your Turn
Name what you want. If you don't name it how can you go after it?
Don't worry about your H. Worry about you. Put yourself #1 on your priority list. I am not talking about being selfish. But if Emily is not happy, healthy - then your little angels aren't getting the best of you. They deserve the best you have to offer. Of course your little babies have to be considered completely as part of this process - but you can do both just as GH said. You can work on yourself AND be the best mommy your little angels need right now.
If you are having trouble with your inner turmoil then pray. Pray that God grants you inner peace and rest that your mind needs for a new day. I will pray for you Emily.
! You always make me smile