Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB & all,

I think I have had some epiphanies after all. I got it today that all I really need to do is get this sitch to work for me. I need the integrity back in, I need to be committed to it and to insert it wherever it is missing for me. I need the truth 100% present, I need to speak it when I see it. Say what I see, what I need to do, one foot in front of the other. I think H being "weird" these past two weeks (cool, unavailable, cocky) has made it easier for me to see this and detach. I am not wanting to placate or "act as if" any more. I am at a new place where my authenticity matters most.

Regarding "sharing my heart" I don't mean telling H how much I love him. I mean being present to everything I say, coming from a loving place. Just compassion, love, listening and understanding present. Love (which includes loving and taking care of myself, and telling the truth and not settling for less than what I am committed to - integrity, love, joy). Being rigorous about that in how I speak, how much I say and what I say. I know I can speak in a way that H can hear it, without expectations or attachments.

I am experiencing detachment big time these past few days. I can tell in the books I am drawn to now. I have stopped reading books on saving my marriage, and am now drawn to reading books for my own healing and well-being and spiritual growth, books on the understanding of the R dynamic that got us here, and books on understanding H's childhood issues and R patterns that may have played into what happened to him. I have compassion for H. He is a good man underneath his present MLC behaviors. He may or may not make his way back to a loving connection with me. He will have to re-connect with himself first. All of his other relationships right now are non-existent (friends, the D's etc.) or are living in artifice/based upon lies (his parents, his B and SIL, his customers and business acquaintances and yes OW too). I can not help him, and was arrogant to think that I could. That must have really pissed him off. He always felt I was "better" at relationships than he is. Here he is now, living out that pain of total disconnect when he is such a sensitive loving soul wanting to be loved and gotten. He will have to figure this out, or not. God bless him, I wish him well. I love him with all my heart.

I am now really looking forward to getting to the lawyer and getting a separation agreement in place. It will free ME up from worry about what will happen, and put the R back in integrity for me. I will know what I am dealing with. In addition to the financial and property issues, I have been thinking I even want the sep agreement to include the stated agreement to date others. Since H has no intention to step back into integrity by ending his R with OW, I want to acknowledge that is where we are, and from the sep agreement forward, have a new commitment that sets us both free to take whatever next steps seem appropriate to our R needs.

I have no intention to D or to end the M. But I want H to know he is free to go now, set the agreements we will live by, make them official and tie it all up. Let the birdie out of his imaginary cage. No more ambiguity and confusion. We will see if H can make a new agreement that he will keep, starting from a new place. If H ever decided to come back to work on our M, it would be a choice, no further obligations beyond what we agree to in a separation agreement, or with a new M agreement. He'll either see how great I am before it's too late, or he won't. Maybe we'll still "date" occasionally. I will keep the door open for conversations and healthy communication. If he ends up taking it to a D later instead of reconciliation, so be it. He will know a D is not what I want. I can continue to be patient and observe and listen and be open and loving, but I want to release him from all expectations of the old M. My only concern is that H may have difficulty accepting the terms of separation, so we may have some negotiating to do. He is in a different place now, more cocky, not so contrite and concerned about the steps he has taken. MLC is heavily in action. I am hoping the lawyer can assist me with leverage, frankly. I am hoping what is "fair" will make H take pause about exiting - I hope he has something he sees that he will lose. So far he does not see anything I don't think, except getting away from me which he says he wants. So it may be a little tricky working out some of the details with him now. We shall see. I will be loving and kind, but I will not be a push-over. I hope the lawyer can manage this well, I do not want to be adversarial. Nonetheless, I am excited that I now have a new plan of action.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I will need your prayers and positive thoughts. I am going to meet with my minister in two weeks also (she is away on vacation right now). I think she will help me to continue to hold H in the light of love while being true to myself.

BTW, her talk at church today was on hearing "the voice" when you pray. I am not alone! And it is not as weird as I thought! I guess people just don't talk about it much. I think I had not listened as hard in the past as I am listening now But it was very comforting to realize I had so much company in this experience of being divinely led.

Always open to thoughts from any of you. Until next time...