Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well today, I am preparing for the worst. The last two phone calls with H have left me with a sinking feeling that things may get much worse before they have any chance of getting better. Although I wish I could say my coaching call with Chuck improved my PMA, this time it did not. The idea that H could be meaner and more irresponsible than he is being and that it could last quite a while (read maybe 3 years more with this MLC) well, I am not feeling like I want any of my financial affairs hung up with H for much longer. It appears the truck payment was not made on time. Since it is in both of our names, that would be bad if it continues. I think it is just a slight slip up (which I have often enough with the household bills) but H is meticulous in ways that I am not so this is not "usual" for him. I also discovered that while H was here at our home office "printing an invoice" this week, that he was searching for airfares and car rentals on the computer and it looks as if he will be going back to Germany to visit OW in September. No surprise here really, it has been his pattern every 2 months or so. However, I felt my stomach jump. I actually get ill so I ran to the bathroom. He also was looking at a consecutive trip to Cancun for 2. And how long could I be dealing with this? If I can't change how I feel about it I'm gonna have to do something else or I'm going to make myself truly ill. Not good.

I did contact a lawyer on Friday, and set an appointment in a little over a week. It is just a consult (and expensive! $250) but this is a pro-marriage lawyer (apparently that is not an oxymoron) who mediates first, and he apparently has a 50% success rate with couples reconciling which is pretty good in my book. I had a realization that H could keep balking at the household expenses while he continues to spend on his fantasy life, and since the business is half mine technically and he's bleeding the $$ out of that account for these adventures, I thought I'd better find out what my rights are. I am thinking that if I got a separation agreement that I explained to H was truly just documentation of what we have agreed to and is already "so" that I could live with our sitch more easily and each of us would have a written agreement of what we have agreed to do and that we are officially separated (no more pretending).

Obviously my trust with H is waning at this point, and I feel I need some protection and support beyond what I have with my own voice and R with him. I will not say anything to H until I know more though. Perhaps I will not want to go ahead. But I think I will, as I am seeing no steps from H in my direction. I think I was particularly insulted by H's controlling comment on our last phone call, "don't call before Tuesday" and I think I just feel like he needs to get that I have some boundaries and limits also and I am not a happy camper with the sitch as it is currently. I try not to take these things personally but sometimes it is the flavor or H's tone that leads me down a certain line of thinking. So, I made copies of checks and bank statements and the business license etc. today. Just in case H gets really mad at some point and takes his stuff away. I hope someday I can say I never needed these things and I will be able to burn them on the happy day H is returning to our home and we are reconciling.

I am refraining from jumping too far into this line of thinking though, but I am now considering what next steps would look like if I had to go further, which might include having the access codes to our house/garage changed, getting a separate bank account, etc. I do not want to make my sitch worse, but I must admit H does not seem like H to me these days and that has got me concerned about how far into that dark alien tunnel he will go. I am going to do my very best not to spook him. But I do not know what will happen but something is up, I can feel it. Maybe he is just pulling away and being cold due to the trip he is planning with OW. Or because he has not seen me in 2 weeks and talks to her every day. H is clearly not capable of managing both R's simultaneously, this I know.

In my prayers, my answers the last few days have been that I must completely detach now. That I am being divinely led, that I must trust and let go of H completely. That the next part of H's journey is up to him. That human beings have the right to choose their own destiny and that H is at a crossroads and I must let go. I have cried and protested and still gotten the same answer. I have been resisting this one forever.

I have decided that next time I see H I will give him my heart once more, remind him that I have offered/tried many things to remain connected and supportive (counseling, coaching, financial coaching, seminars have all been suggested, as well as 2 heartfelt letters that have been written to him by me) and that he has not been interested in pursuing those activities or conversations with me. I will offer one other idea (a course through the transformation programs we have participated in in the past, which I think would be AWESOME and helpful) and if he declines or says "I need to think about that" I will let him know that now I am letting go. I am interested in having people with integrity in my life. H knows what this needs to look like, and I will invite him once again to step back into it - let him know the conversation is open for that if/when he ever becomes willing. Otherwise, I am left with cleaning up the messes, sorting out the financials, cleaning up the hurts with my D's, and moving on without a plan for H in my future. If he ever did decide to reenter the scene, I can decide then if it still fits for me and if I am willing to do the work to make it work then. I love H with all my heart, and I am sad to be at this place. I do not know if he can make it back to me. I will stand as long as I can in that possibility, but I also need to get back in action with moving my life forward. Having the financials clear (whatever that looks like) and moving it out of the ambiguity and whimsicalness of H's moods and affair addiction will help me cope, even if I am worse off than I am now (which may not be the case, actually - my fears about that may not be real). It may also be a reality check for H - what his situation REALLY is, what he stands to lose if he proceeds. I guess it would be good for him to know that, as right now I think he believes he can just walk out and take what ever he thinks he deserves with him. I can't make H be a trustworthy person, and I can't prevent the hurt that has happened to my heart, but I can take responsibility for protecting the future I had planned and the financial well being of myself and my children.

If anyone has insights on this, I am open. I feel like I have read so much, and every place on the continuum has valid points. Wait and be patient, don't do anything to alienate him further or to close him out.... to the other side, close the door tight until they are willing to work on the M. I am not sure that there is a "right" answer as a general rule. As my friend at lunch said today, worry is only about trying to figure out what will happen in the future, and we can never know that. Our work is to be in the present, one foot in front of the other, step by step. If we listen to our own heart, and determine that we are not trying to be vindictive or revengeful, that we are operating from love and compassion (for ourselves and others) then every choice we make, focusing on the present, step by step, will be the right one. I am going to focus on that as much as possible.

So, step by step, dealing with what is there to do: yesterday I met with the exterminator (to handle my major rat problem which H used to handle), I met with the gardener about our sprinkler problem (also a formerly H thing) and I had lunch with a friend who told me she has a guy who can install my windows on a cash basis and he's really good (works for her husband, a contractor, just did hers in her own house). So 3 things H was responsible for that I can handle if I can figure out the money part. I need the house exterior finished before winter rains come, and H has been promising since March without any action.

So I am in action and that feels good. I hope H's head doesn't start reeling when he realizes I am not just waiting around any more.