Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I had a coaching call with Chuck yesterday morning. I took lots of notes to share with you all. This may be a long post - sorry! But I do want to "share the wealth" since I paid a pretty price for the coaching

First I caught Chuck up on my sitch since the time I spoke with him last (which was June) - the key events and what happened with H (my aunt dying, my trips, the citizenship and anniversary trip, the ups and downs with contact/no contact, warmth and coldness).

Chuck and I talked about the MLC stuff going on with H, and my sense that it's all about control and needing to be in control right now. My big looming question: What do I do???

Bottom lines, from Chuck:

What have I done that's gotten a positive response? Pay attention to that, do more of that [In my case, H responds favorably when I contact him, I call or invite him to things. This is the opposite of DBing anti-pursuing as I've read it. Chuck says even Michele says, do what works. In other words, checking in evey once in a while, reaching out, continues to be OK in my sitch].

Ok this next one seems counter-intuitive. Chuck says, if H is all about control right now, he has some fear that I will make my own decisions. So Chuck asked, "How often do I say 'no' to H?" Not often. H rarely asks me to do anything these days, but usually I am agreeable. So Chuck said, "When H invited you to Mexico, for example. Don't be so quick to agree. The part about you already being in the midst of making other plans is good. Follow it up with 'Thanks for the invite. I'll have to think about that and get back to you.' You don't want to give H the impression that he's calling all the shots." H needs to not be so sure that I'm always available.

About MLC, it is a rollercoaster. Hang on for the ride. I need to focus on my GAL activities, and I need to challenge my own internal fears.

H needs to hear me say "no" or "I'll have to think about that". It's healthy to throw that into the mix, that I've got options, that I've got a life. I have things I have to decide about. In a healthy R, H needs to see me as a more dynamic person. To the extent that H doesn't see that, there's not much motivation. I need to be wise, I don't have to roll over for H. So GAL is essential. [Now many of you know that I feel like I have a really rich life, and GAL is no big deal. Well I understand this differently now. For me, I have put H first in the past even with all of my other life stuff going on. I GAL, but will drop things for H, cater to H, make a date with H a top priority. No more. "No", more! ]

I need to give H motivation to find me fascinating and interesting again. The fear is, that as I detach, the R will fizzle and end. Well I can't control him. But I can do things to pique his interest. The thing here is, that you need them to begin pursuing you.

I told Chuck I was getting tired, exhausted. I told him that I wished there was something that would happen to startle H, wake him up, turn up the heat. Chuck said the question is, am I willing to accept the consequences?

The key thing he heard is that I was getting tired. Chuck said I need to do things I can do, to change my pace, to take my pace to a level that is sustainable, even energizing for me. Things that affirm who I am, in spite of what H is doing. Chuck said, what's different when I'm getting good results? What's been effective when I GAL and do things I enjoy? That's what will sustain me during H's MLC. He says my H has classic MLC indicators going on. The best thing is for me to ride out the waves. It could be one year, it could be three or more [GULP!]

Chuck said if I do want to give an ultimatum at some point, that he could coach me on giving ultimatums w/ some possibility of getting a good result.

But the bottom line for now is focus on what I can control, and keep mixing things up.

Interesting 180 we discussed. Since $$ is a hot button for H and me, we talked about letting H choose what needs to be done. My fear about this is that H will leave me high and dry. Chuck reminded me that H is a good guy at his core (even though he is confused with MLC). So if I say, "look here's the sitch w/ the $$, the bills and the cash flow, and I can now release control in determining how to solve this and you can decide because you are trustworthy and honorable" that usually people will step up to the plate, and be trustworthy. [I am pondering this heavily, this is a big one]

I had questions about whether it is OK now for me to share more of my true feelings with H (such as that I am sad, upset, etc.) as I have mostly kept this to myself and been cheery around H. Chuck said, don't worry about it. It's Ok for H to see me sad sometimes. But it's important that I'm not condemning, not angry. Just occasional, this is how I feel.

For DB to be effective, you start out to lay a good foundation. It's more than just having H come home at some point. It feels freeing to H that I am living a purposeful and joyous life. Sometimes he needs to feel the freedom to walk away. That's essential. He needs to know that he can walk away so he can choose to come back.

It is still essential not to bring up or talk about the OW. I am not to ask about his plans or future, etc. Convo about the OW causes H to feel guilt and embarrasment. I don't want him to tie that to me. Later in reconciliation, talk about OW is OK. Not now.

Regarding addressing important issues, confrontation, etc. (such as why did H ignore D's birthday, for example), here's the scoop: If I can forgive H for whatever it is, it is OK to address these issues as long as they are addressed without resentment, and without judgement. Keep resentments out. Don't treat him like he's wrong. I am free to address these things, in saying he was missed, or I was sorry you weren't there as I was counting on you for..."

Important: I need to talk to H as a husband. Be present to how it is different from talking to a son. H will hear that as respect.

I have been in a very interesting space these past few days. I have been praying too. I believe I am detaching, and getting fiesty too. Getting my sense of myself and my personal power back. I have been integrating some of this coaching, and processing. I have been all over the map, so I'm not taking any steps right now. More of that in a later post.

Hope you're all having a great Saturday. I am heading off for lunch with a dear dear friend at the beach.