Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi jacqm, MamaBear and all,

Well, today and tonight have been a bit rough. I admit I am afraid I am losing here in my efforts to save my marriage. It is so hard to stay hopeful, every time I have contact with H I get so discouraged. It almost seems like I can live in my own fantasy having no contact, but once I have contact with who H is, he is not OK, not what I want, it's so discouraging. Where did my H go? Who is this man who looks and sounds like H, but is so cock-sure of himself, so self-centered, so uninterested in me, our home, our M? Oh, yuck yuck yuck. I do not like my H right now.

My mom used to say that I shouldn't make an ugly face, because "what if it got stuck like that?". I feel like H got stuck. It's like the twilight zone.

OK. Here's what happened. Probably no big deal you will all think, so why does it feel like this to me? H called today. This is the first call in a week, two weeks since I've seen him. Same call as last week, letting me know he is coming by to use the office to print an invoice. We chat briefly, H seems overly distracted (driving). I say, perhaps we should chat sometime - would he like to drop by on Sunday? Not sure, busy this weekend, can't check calendar now, working alot, will I call him about that later? I say, "So you want me to call you?" He says, "Yes, call me." OK

I spent 1 hour clearing with my good friend on the phone. H's cold demeanor and dismissive nature is tough. I keep wondering how to manage myself around it. I am shocked every time. It feels like I never win with H. Friend gets me clear, we strategize. I decide to call H back tonight. I get clear before the phone call, have 3 items to discuss, all of which I will invite him to engage in. H is in a better place when I call, more available to talk.

I wrote a letter to H's son (H had asked me to do this two months ago, since they are not speaking), I also had some photos made up. I want to send it off tomorrow. Does H have anything he wants me to include from him? UCK, darn, I was derailed. H says yes, give it to me, I will send it with some things I have to send him also. But not til next week sometime, I'll let you know when I can come by. [I do not feel good about this. It feels like one more thing H will not keep his word about. But it is his son. I say OK]

I ask him for advice, about rat problem and sprinkler problem. Compliment H about how much more he knows about these things than me. H likes that. Gets puffed up and directive. But then uses conversation to bring up that he doesn't want to provide $$ to the house anymore, now that he's not living here. Can I understand why he would feel that way?, he asks me. I say yes. Can you also understand how I might feel about it? H says yes, he can imagine that. H says, I am working all the time and I have no $$ over here. I say yes, and I am holding the space of our home in the context of our M. Silence. [I believe H thinks this is about me vs him, H no longer has any context of "us" or our M is how it occurs to me. It feels like he thinks he is doing it "for me" and he doesn't want to any more, resents me.]

End of convo, told me we should get together, talk about the $$. But no conversations, no calls before Tuesday. OK.

All of this, in very cheery, upbeat and "I'm in charge" tones. He is so puffy, so "right" about everything right now. You all have no idea how hard it is to keep from skewering him with a hot poker while he sleeps. Of course, I don't even know where he lives, so don't worry. Now I, on the other hand, have no locks on the door, H comes and goes. H treats me as if he has no respect for me and is just outta here - take, take, take and run. WTF, he is such a jerk right now. Where did this man come from? And where is the man I married? Actually, I'd settle for the one I saw 2 weeks ago at lunch, the one who invited me to Mexico with his family and kissed me 2 x on the lips. I'd take him in a flash over this alien impersonator I talked to today.

So, why would I want to call him? So he can tell me once again that he's happy, wants out, doesn't want to pay, whatever? H married me, and he acts like he can just erase it. Oh, I'm mad. First time in a while. It's really a bummer too, because if I stay mad H will really suffer because staying mad for too long makes me mean. All I get is rejection and H's control issues. He is a test, to be sure. AAACK.

I called good friend back. 2 more hours on the phone. Lucky she loves me. Lucky I have a discount for long distance phone service. I cried and ranted, and wanted to quit. Even she wishes it would end, that some decision would emerge. But she was supportive, said she wasn't sure if she helped me this time though, I assured her she definitely did. BUT, Limbo sucks. H's A sucks. MLC sucks. This whole thing SUCKS.

OK, here are some positives I have to put in. H says he wants to talk about the $$, and paying less. Has been saying that since March. I have left it to him to set a time for us to meet to talk about the finances. So far that hasn't happened. If actions speak louder than words, then H doesn't really want to stop being involved financially, he just wants to say he does. Also, H doesn't want a D "too permanent" he says. So far so good. And even in the midst of his cocky "right" conversations with me, he is still calling me "sweetheart" and "hon" and that sounds real every time, it is not fake. In fact, even though I hear all these things that seem like he is pushing me away, he also says things like he wants me to call, etc. Hard to think that that's not just H making sure he has me "in control" though. But then of course, there's Mexico... what a goof ball.

Well, good news is, tomorrow morning, I have a coaching call with Chuck. I hope he can give me something to do. I am frustrated because the less I see my H, the worse my sitch gets IMHO. When I see him more, it seems H is better, more connected, sweeter. This has been true from the beginning. So there's the part of me that wishes I had not encuoraged the separation. But seeing H is hard on me, takes a toll. There is no comfortable balance in this process for me yet. I have been unsuccessful in detaching. Only when I do not see H am I able to detach. The yo-yo thing, the rollercoaster, it is hard. But the less I see him, the worse H is the next time. That feels like a Catch-22, n'est-ce pas? My health is reacting. I have been having 15 day cycles and some pretty knarly headaches. I know this is hormonal, but no doubt my sitch is affecting it - I can tell. No one can cry and grieve this much for this long without some kind of effect. No matter how good my new figure looks and my exercise program is.

I feel like H needs a BIG blow up to wake up. A disintegration of the world as he currently knows it. OW needs to end, someone he loves needs to get sick or die, H needs to bottom out somehow. That's the only thing that will help our M IMHO. I don't feel like this can be at my hands either. If I caught a lucky break, and the OW messed up or left that would really help. But it doesn't look like that's what's happening. I have to figure out what to do with myself between now and when that blow up happens, or I won't make it. I know it will happen eventually. I know it. There is no way any R founded on so little integrity and so little reality can possibly work out. But when? Ah, the 1,000,000,000 question. And who will remain standing?

I want to confront H in a big way. I sure hope Chuck can help me with some new tools or new found patience.

Well tomorrow night is the 24 hour prayer vigil started on the Prayer Circle board. I'm gonna do that, I've never done that before in my life. Maybe I will have my own epiphany.