Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I went to my relationships seminar tonight, and it was powerful. Tonight was about "being a clearing for love." In other words, it is who I am in the world that has love show up the way it shows up, and also within my ability, because of who I am, to have it show up how I am committed to having it show up. I am responsible - I get it .

So in our seminar, there are opportunities for paired sharing. The woman I sat next to (my partner for the evening, as it turned out) was a visitor from another town, a friend of the seminar leader, someone 100% new to me. It turned out she had "stepped out" as she put it, during her marriages. She is single now, readjusting after her most recent 7 year R just ended. I also want to tell you that she was a very beautiful woman physically, the kind of woman I have always felt was more perfectly beautiful than most of us including me (gym perfect, flawless features, money spent on upkeep, but not overdone - you know - like a well kept celebrity). She shared with me that she had cheated in her relationships because she did not love herself enough, that it was issues out of her past. I had not told her anything about me yet. When I shared and she found out that H and I are separated, and my H is in an A with an OW, she stopped me and said "You need to understand that he doesn't know what he is doing right now. It's not about you, and it's definitely not about her. He just doesn't believe he deserves your love, he doesn't love himself enough right now. You must not give up on him!" I thanked her, and I told her I would not give up, that I loved my husband with all my heart, and that I am a stand for his greatness and for the greatness of our marriage. She paused, and then squeezed my hand and she started to cry, and she said, "oh my God, I am so sorry. I am so sorry. You are a woman like the ones that I have hurt". Wow. I squeezed her hand back and started to cry myself, and told her, "no need to apologize now, you are a part of my healing."

Now, who here can tell me that my life is not absolutely miraculous? I am getting it from strangers. I feel like all the universe is conspiring on my behalf to assure me that I understand the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness, and that everything that is happening is for good. I am on to something here, you know? And if this is the life journey, my Lord yes yes, I'm in. It was quite an evening.

The other things that has been going on, is I have been praying a lot. I know I have mentioned this before, but I just keep talking about it because I have never had experiences like this before in my life. I pray at night in my bed, and the tears start to flow. Last night, I prayed for my H, and myself and for our M to be healed, and I prayed for protection for my H from all harm, then I prayed for OW that she would be healed and no longer be lonely and afraid, and find her way back to love her H and her family, then I prayed for H's dad, who caused a lot of damage in H's life even though all is forgiven now and I prayed for his healing, and his mom, and all of them, and my D's, and then I went on and on to everyone I could think of, everyone I know. And I cried, the tears poured out in the darkness. And when it was all over, I got quieter, and then I asked if there was anything I needed to know, and I put my hand over my heart and I got the message, "You must trust and be patient. Everything is unfolding as it should. You must trust. I will not lead you astray. Continue to be patient. It won't be much longer now." Like that, speaking out of my mouth, but not in my own words, until I got so calm that the mattress and me and what was above and below were all one entity and I was light. I went into some other world for a while and then awoke from it feeling completely calm.

One of the things I thought about last night too, afterwards, is when H comes back, I don't want to stop praying. So where will I go to have these experiences? And I started beginning to figure that out in my head, so I would always remember never to go backto the way it was before. It's funny that I actually realized how I stopped many healthy things due to H's presence in my life when I got M. I will need to figure out how to keep the things that work for me after he comes back. I am going forward now, on to something new and powerful and amazing. No allowing lost and tired and afraid to take over. I must plan for having a great life, and keep my priorities in order. That is another gift of all this.

I am writing these things here because this is my place now to chronicle what is happening to me. I realize that the departure of my H and this crisis has been the catalyst for a deep and powerful journey for me. It is true that I will not be, and no longer am, the same person I was before. It is nice to have an anonymous place to write these things down and share them. I think there may be other people out there who have spiritual awakenings as part of this process, so I guess I want you to know that I'm a regular person in many ways but some extraordinary things are happening anyway

I have decided that I will find the opportunity at some point this week to connect with H. I suspect H will call me soon, however if he does not, I will be bold and share myself with him somehow this week. It is in the context of these types of conversations and transformational work that H and I fell in love. Last time I shared myself with him there was an opening for intimacy and relatedness and a connection between us. I need to remember that I must periodcally reach out to H with love. No expectations, just being myself. But it is powerful for him, and I want H to have those little periodic reminders every once in a while, of what has genuinely and repeatedly inspired him. I'm not sure when I will make contact - probably by the weekend if I haven't heard from him by then.

Meanwhile I also have a coaching call scheduled with DB coach Chuck on Friday, so I will be preparing for that, and take in his good coaching. I will share with all of you any useful tidbits I receive.