Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

You asked:

PL, I'm going to ask you a tough question: are worries about money (possibly unfounded) keeping you from taking the best course of action in your sitch? If so, then I think you need to talk to a lawyer about protecting yourself financially.

I don't think so. I think I am just a worrier about $$. My mom's issues, my early adult life issues. When my D was little I used to worry that I would end up homeless or in a fleabag weekly hotel and that they would take my D away because I couldn't provide for her. When she was 8, I bought a van (so I could cart the carpools around), it was my first new car ever. But I remember thinking, well now if we are homeless we will have someplace to sleep. So my money thing is an old worry thing. I am not sure that I have balance around it. I have a beautiful home (although it needs upkeep) in an area where property values are astronomical. But my salary is low (I work for a non-profit) and I live here with a bunch of students in the house to cover the mortgage. Am I attached to this house? Probably. Should I let go of it if H and I split for good? Maybe, but I can't go there yet. I owned the house before H, and my D and my foster D spent all of their JR high and high school years here, and everyone loves this house. I would have to leave the area if I sold it, leave my community where I have been 30 + years, because I could never afford the taxes here if I bought a different one. So poop, I am attached, and I have lots of reasons. I had a good plan, and I liked it. H was the icing and cherry on top of an already amazing life. I came up from being a single mom with a dog, two cats and a baby on welfare to owning this house, in a twelve year span.

I may need to go see a lawyer sometime, you are right. I go in and out about when. But the truth is, I want my H to come home. I do not want to take steps that will push him father away. I do not even really want to think those thoughts and make them real. But if H takes any further steps that will financially hurt me, I will get protection. Right now, I disagree with his A and his spending on the A. But believe it or not, I do not consider H's spending amounts unreasonable yet. H has not gone hog wild. There are no additional debts on the credit cards, in fact he is paying them off better than when he was here. If we D, I will take the costs of his A into account with a lawyer, and will do my best to make him compensate me for EVERYTHING if that's possible. But my financial sitch will not be better with H gone. His income has just begun to bear fruit. When H came here, his business started from scratch. H did not even have a truck, just some equipment. I covered costs for H for a while in the beginning. If we ever have to move ahead with a D, I will document all that. But in our community property state, if H & I got ugly, we could end up in a fight over assets in the house, assets in the business, etc. by havig a different view of what actually happened and what is "right" or "fair". I don't want that to happen. I know H & I view our financial sitch differently already. So, I really hope we don't ever have to get into a polarized disagreement about it. Because everyone will lose if that happens. Right now, I think the best thing I can do is be patient and see if H's heart comes home. I am considering contacting a lawyer just for an opinion on what could happen since most everything I have said is my own sense of it, but not with a lot of legal background knowledge. But a D is just not what I want in my heart. And, funny me, I really do believe deep deep in my heart and soul and spirit that H will find his way home. I would much prefer a happy ending. Sorry to say, I do not see the disolution of the M as a happy ending for my future. I hope and pray that we do not go there. If that is meant to be, at some point I suppose I will know and then I will decide that another future is better than the one I was envisioning with H. Will I be OK if it doesn't work out? You bet. But I am not at all interested in those thoughts right now. Does that make me attached to a specific outcome, and put pressure on? I'm not sure, maybe. But I don't think so, because I picture H free to make up his own mind right now. We are separated, he is experiencing life without me. And right now he says he likes it, even though he does not look happy to me. I know he has to choose me again for me to want to remain M in the long term. So, I guess I am giving H a little more time. At least today. It is a day-to-day re-evaluation. But right now, I am thinking my sitch will be dramatically different by next spring. And that gives me patience for a little longer. We shall see.