Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH, MamaBear & all, Well I had a pretty big "break down" last night and I am feeling a little better today. Sometimes I just have to let it all out. I was absolutely beside myself last night, couldn't stop crying, couldn't manage to get working on my homework, just aching. It sucks when that happens. I called one of my telephone buddies and was still unable to reach him (it's been a week). Called my other one a bit later, she did get back to me and I had a really good and deep cry and a good talk and felt better afterwards. I was just somehow hopeless and devastated, in disbelief, and actually feeling desperate. For the first time, I wanted to call H and do the begging and pleading thing. I have never had that inclination before. I went from numb to DBing straightaway. But last night, I was feeling like H has no idea how much I miss him, and how much I want him to come home. I know this will not help me right now to tell him, but oh I wanted to because some part of me just can't believe he could even consider walking away from everything we have created together. If he could just see how devastated I am, then he would come home... I love him with all my heart, and he used to feel that way about me. How could he forget? I am surrounded by our memories, and he is in another world, that's how. In fact I discovered today, that in his trunk in the garage, are all of the little love notes and cards and photos from when we courted. And all of the cards since we were married are in his office here. All the gifts, photos, most of the things that represent our life are here. So he is in another world with new stuff where he has no reminders of us. And I, on the other hand, feel I am surrounded by H in my home. We were married here in the back yard, with all of our friends and family. I gave myself over in every way, the space here is our space. It is not the same now with him missing. I can hardly stand it sometimes. And I want to let him know, I want him to know how it is for me. And I can't? I was in dispair.

My friend listened well. She reminded me of the progress that has been made. She believes in H too. After a while I told her that I hold on to the picture of H's face in my head, from the last good encounter we've had. The last one currently, is our lunch from last Friday - he was so warm and loving and he kissed me good bye twice on the lips. That keeps me going during the dark times, and reminds me that H is a good man and loves me. You see, when I see him even now, we connect, and I can tell he loves me. There is no pretending, no denying. I believe this is why H feels like he needs to stay away from me. Because when he sees me, he is connected to me, and he is stirred with warm feelings and love for me. I can tell. In fact, every time he speaks to me, he warms up as we talk. He starts out cool or even icy, and then he melts. I can tell he misses me. But in his head, the less I am around, the bigger the wall gets. Then when he talks to me or sees me it melts. That has been true without fail, every time. It is not an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing for him as far as I can tell. So how much space should I give a guy who is trying to force himself to let go of me? Maybe lots, so he realizes how stupid that is? I dunno. The space vs. some contact issue gets me every time. I often think H wants me to rescue him. But then if I do, after a while, he resents it. If any of you are not familiar, this Victim-Persecuter-Rescuer thing is called the "Drama Triangle". It's a sign of unhealthiness in an R. [BTW - There is a really good quick and light read on this, called "The Power of Ted: The Empowerment Dynamic" by David Emerald which I highly recommend if you are intrested in transforming this kind of pattern]. So my work is not to get hooked and jump into drama with H.

I decided talking with my friend last night, that H is likely not doing very well. His paperwork re: his business that arrives here, and his mail at the PO Box etc, are not being picked up often enough for him to be functioning well in his business. H is scattered, and likely doing the thing that is right in front of him to do, peddaling as fast as he can. I don't want to see him crash and burn. I wish I could help, but I am purposefully resisting this urge. I understand now, that H will have to realize that he wants me in his life, that my presence matters to him, and not just for business reasons. I can not rescue H and have a healthy R with him. I need him to see that OW is bringing him down (because H is trying to rescue her), and I need him to realize that our R was the best thing that ever happened. It doesn't matter that everyone else can see that. H has to see that. And it doesn't matter that our R, just like all R's, needed work. I am willing. But at some point H has to be willing or we will not go forward. Anyway, last night I was devastated once again to acknowledge that H does not already know how valuable I am. I find this stunning. I have been reviewing our life together, and I actually think that I was probably the best thing that ever happened to H. Unfortunately for H, that's what his B & SIL and parents think too. Maybe that is tough for H to deal with. Hopefully he will realize this and feel like he deserves me before it is too late.

That is not to say I do not have faults. I have thought a lot today about how depressed I was during H's A (before he told me). He had distanced himself so much, and I didn't know what to do. I wasn't exercising, had gained weight, and was feeling truly unloved and unwanted. Withdrew myself, was somewhat resigned. I was "waiting" instead of being in action. I thought we were OK, we were going to therapy, and I thought we were making progress. But H was lying and it was all a false front. And I was too complacent and patient and accepting of how it was. And nagging and complaining about small things instead of dealing with the real issues.

So today I can't say I am merry sunshine or anything, but I am in action. In fact, I am fighting off the tendency to feel guilty for taking care of myself so well. I have thought a lot about this today too. During the last year before the separation, I was wearing K-mart underwear, wasn't taking care of myself, fun time together (without "work" attached) was few and far between, and my thoughts in my head were, the business, the house, the kids, our work, these things come first - we have to sacrifice right now to get ahead for later. We were on a 10 year plan, which stalled mid-way because it was out-of-balance. We started a million house projects that are still mid-stream, got ourselves really out on a limb financially, and pushed pushed pushed all the time. I thought we could handle it, as a team. Boy have I learned a lesson. So today, I took the dog to the groomer's, got a manicure/pedicure, ordered two sets of tickets for theatre under the stars before the summer season and weather is gone, bought some new thongs at Victoria's Secret and I found an awesome sale at Ann Taylor where I bought some new clothes. Now here's the deal: I feel a tinge of guilt when I do these things. My mother used to always take her presents back, and never bought clothes unless they were on sale. She would let my dad take me out to lunch with my grandma, and she would stay home to "save money". So this is my mother's guilt, and it wasn't healthy for her and I don't think it was healthy for me. I deserve to be well cared for, and it's attractive, you know? Being a martyr is not attractive. But I am afraid that H will stop the $$ coming, and make me wrong and tell me I am selfish and self-centered and whatever. Just so you know though, H has never done that in the past. And H has never asked me to take something back to the store, or not to get a massage, or anything, ever. But I know when he feels the pressure, this is something I could do to help. And I feel like H is not around to enjoy and appreciate me either, which makes it even harder. I want him to see me, and be in awe... But today, I have been thinking, H has been spending money to visit OW - OUR money. And HUGE phone bills, and calling cards, etc. Buying her stuff at the Body Shop every time before he goes there. Yuck. These are our joint assets H has spent in a way that is totally counter-productive to our M. I am trying to save our M by taking care of myself. Seriously, is this right, or am I deluding myself? I have always been really really generous, so I am not sure I have any sense of balance here on my own. But when H and I have the $$ conversation, I realized I am not willing to have him pay less into our household just so I can make it easier for H to spend $$ on his A. Is this wrong? I am not squirreling away $$ in preparation for H leaving. I am acting like he will be staying right here, and if I keep myself up this way, H will never be able to resist.... LOL But if H doesn't make it all the way back to me in his heart, well I won't have a lot of $$ in the bank, but I will certainly have all the personal "assets" well cared for.

Your thoughts on this, the delicate balance between self-care and spending/squandering $$ would be appreciated.

Meanwhile, I am processing alot about myself and how I manage myself in the world, as you can see. I want to be the best self I can be. Some of this is new territory.