Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi GH,

Thanks for your really good points yesterday. I think you are correct, although I had never framed it that way - but I do use a positive attitude in my life as a way of "taking care" of myself, which I see is also a protection. The world can be a challenging place. I have a bumper sticker - "Look for the Good and Praise It". It is a defense I suppose, a choice I have made about how to deal with life so that it is really worth living for me. A "glass half full" view as a commitment. So I suppose the defense part of that is a true ache, and perhaps even a fear, of the "other side" ruling the world - the "dark side" Sometimes I feel like the cynics and dooms-day-sayers could just take over if it wasn't for a little pip-squeak like me in the background. Of course I continually hope for enough of a groundswell of positivity to overflow the planet, and look to people like y'all to help with that :-) But, philosophically speaking here, I can see that my stand is polarizing. Perhaps my being so far out on one side of the spectrum places others even farther out on the cynical resigned side just to counteract me And maybe H feels like he can never live up to it - I think he feels like his glass is never quite as full as mine. The OW is apparently a mess, so that helps H feels stronger and more powerful and together. Around me, I think he is feeling like he messed up and failed. How do you turn that around? It seems like that is mostly his work to do. But is some of it mine? I do affirm him and praise and acknowledge him whenever I have the opportunity. However, I am not sure how much sinks in.

Anyway, I am not feeling so positive today. Doesn't feel good, wish I didn't have to say so, but there it is. Somedays I am just sad. I have all the resources to have it be as great as any other day, but sometimes life is just sad. I am grieving today. I have been praying, and the answer I get is to be patient, to focus on myself and my own work, and to trust that all is unfolding as it should. I am willing to do these things. But today I have an aching pit of lonliness in me. I guess I will explore and explore and explore until I learn how to fill that up. I have always gotten my "juice" in life from being a contribution to others. I realize that the reason this situation in my M is so painful and difficult for me, is that I do not recall EVER needing to face this type of rejection. Usually people want what I've got, I'm fun to be around, you know? It is the hardesst thing to keep PMA in the face of this rejection, rejection from one I love so much. And even my D says she doesn't want to be around me right now, not 'til my M issues are all decided and this is "over". She says she "can't handle" me right now. And that's because I'm a little more introspective, not my 100% PMA self. So poop. I suppose to learn that rejection from another person is not about me, but about the other person, if I could get that at a soul level, that would be healing. I love my H, and I love my D. My pain is taking it personally. My work for today or perhaps many days

So, this is a tricky one GH. I am a full spectrum gal - I focus on the positive, but I have my down days too. But in the DBing I have been careful for H to only see me being upbeat. H does not know about all of the nights I have cried, all the sleep I have lost, all of the work I have missed because I couldn't stop crying. He hasn't seen me on the floor on my hands and knees crying and praying for the strength so I could stand by him one more day. And I guess it doesn't help for him to see it or know about it, right? So, meanwhile, H sees the "PMA defense" and my pain is a private pain. I'm not sure sometimes how it helps for them not to know how hurt we are about what they have done and are doing. But I suppose if H was ready to hear about me, and care about me, that he'd be here asking. And then I'd be sad about the past which would be better already . I'll look forward to a day when H wants to talk to me again. Meanwhile, I have a lunch with my soccer friends, and a massage today. That certainly should help turn some of these tears back to laughter and PMA.