Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, H called, in the early evening. Left a V.M. message - hardly ever does that. Very "distant" even cold, IMHO - no "sweetheart" or "hon" - just business, "Can I come by tomorrow for a couple of hours in the afternoon, to use the office? Let me know. Bye." Jeez, you would think I would be immune, or know better than to expect anything but a wall or retreat after such a warm and festive lunch last Friday. So, in my head, it goes like this: "Well I don't have to call him back, maybe I should make him wait 6 days and 3 phone calls later. No, that's not right, remember H is in MLC, probably in withdrawal and there's still a fair amount of replay going on. Yet he manages to call, be civil, ask for what he needs. You don't want to be unkind, or cause further retreat. Encourage behavior you like, right? H probably feels bad about D and the party and not calling 'til now, when he needs something. Let it all go. Besides, since I'm heading for my beach walk with my friend, won't it be more fun to have the call to talk about? OK PMA, get clear, no residue, before you make the call." Then I proceeded to sing several rounds of "All you need is love" and to have a really good chuckle before I called H back.

I was cheery, my usual happy self. H was distant, tired. Here's the gist of the convo:

PL: Hi sweetheart! What's up?
H: Did you get my message?
PL: Yes, that's why I'm calling you!
H: I just wanted to know if I could come over tomorrow and work in the office for a few hours in the afternoon.
PL: Well sure sweetheart, it's your office. That'd be fine.
H: Well, I just wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any people in there.
PL: (Slightly teasing) Well I haven't taken up a roommate, or any new lovers if that's what you mean.
H: (still serious) Well, no, I meant maybe some of D's friends were staying in there or something.
PL: Oh, no sweetheart, they stayed at a hotel last weekend. And everybody's gone now. It will be quiet. Except for the dog, who will be so glad to see you.
H: And the cleaning lady comes in the morning, right? So if I come in the afternoon?
PL: Yes, hon, she's done at 11. It will be all yours.
H: OK. Well, I'll make sure to visit with the dog.
PL: Great! (pause) Have you been eating?
H: I ate today, but I didn't do so well yesterday...
PL: Well the fridge is full of goodies - BBQ chicken, beans, rice, salad fixins, organic tomatoes - please eat while you're there too.

At the end of the call I also mentioned that I got a new gardener, that there were a few new expenses about that, but I thought the new gardener was a good guy and was offering to work reasonably, so I hoped that was OK with H, and said we could talk about that some other time. H asked if I was on the way to the beach, wished me a nice beach walk, asked me to enjoy it for him since he wouldn't be going out today, (he is stressed and working a lot). I told him to have a good time at home tomorrow then, H said "I dunno with how I am feeling" and I said "well, it'll make you feel better just to be there" and H said "OK, I hope so" and off I went.

So, I have a couple of questions for you experts out there:

1) I am trying to be supportive but not pushy or pursuing. Is that what you you get from our dialogue?

2) H had been unhappy with how the yard looked the last couple of times he was at the house. And it has always been my job to manage these things. So I told H about the new gardener so he would know I am taking care of it now (but it is costing $$, which is H's big pressure worry right now - the finances). Should I avoid all talk about household expenses, or is it OK to bring the realities in sometimes, so he doesn't just think I am getting my toenails painted with his hard earned $$ ?

3) I felt like at the end of the convo, I did not acknowledge H's heavy mood, worry, concerns, whatever. I find I am often the "PMA queen" with my loved ones - and I want them to see the positive, or that it will all work out, sometimes before they are ready. Or perhaps before they have worked through it, and instead they needed an ear, someone to listen and not override. This has been VERY true with H, I have done this. I think I did it again tonight on the phone. So, I would like to write H a note, and leave it here on his desk, letting him know that I can really see how hard he is working, and that I heard him when he said he was worried, and that if he wants to linger at the house until I get home from work that I'd be happy to listen to what ever he is concerned about. Or we could just watch a DVD (He asked a while back to watch a specific one with me) and we could relax for a bit. Would that kind of note be OK? Or is it too much for a guy who is likely in MLC WD and has been MIA for almost a week? Is any invite pursuit? I think it's likely he will be gone before I get home (even with the note), as I think he probably would not take me up on my offer. So does that mean I shouldn't ask? or is it helpful for him to know I am here for him?

Your thoughts on these things are most welcome - please! We have such fleeting time together, so little contact - once a week at best these days, so I want to make the most of it (even if I don't see him). Have the house clean and welcoming, you know.

Otherwise, I am doing fine. I am still a little preoccupied with H and not 100% focused at work (I spent 2 hours on an MLC web site today) and also behind in my school work too, but nonetheless, I'm trucking along pretty well considering. I am trying to get the focus all the way on me, and what I want and need to do to feel good, but this is not always easy. H is on my mind. Funny thing though, I can tell I am on his mind too, though. H even remembered that today is my regular beach walk day (which has been going on since our separation). H likes it that I walk now I think, as this was a healthy new behavior (and I lost weight!), and H is now walking by himself on the beach many days, too, which is really new behavior for H. So H is watching me, checking to see if I will remain consistent, for sure. Loving, patient, consistent. That's my goal.

P.S. MamaBear, do you have an e-mail I can write to? I am going to contact sooner gal this weekend also :-) Otherwise, I will have to get one of those private e-mails (a new one) before I could post any contact information here :-)