Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi soonergal, MamaBear, Sweet_Heart (& all),

Thanks for writing to me. H is MIA, and I am fine.

I notice I am sensitive these days. I used to watch TV, and now for the past 8 months I can not. Too noisy, too intrusive. Today, they were doing repairs in our office (the AC system) and I have a sore shoulder. So, with that combo, I left work, went to the dentist as planned, went to the chiropractor (as needed), and went home. Had lunch on the patio in my beautiful back yard. Didn't go back to work. I have missed a fair amount of work lately, but it seems to be what I need to do to take care of myself right now.

I just had a 3 hour phone conversation with my best friend (catching up after 2 weeks) and I am finally emptied out and completely calm. Thank God for good friends.

So I have visits with good friends and loving family, I read, write and think exercise, and sometimes cook and eat. Thank goodness I have worked in my job 20 + years, as I have needed a little slack this year and have not been the constant work horse since the crisis hit, as I was before. I know things are piling up pretty badly right now. Tomorrow, I feel I will be able to go back in refreshed. I do need to get refocused there, and also on my school work. There has been some procrastination going on, and pre-occupation with H (and reading and writing on these boards ). I truly feel clear tonight, though, so hopefully I can maintain that for a bit now.

Hard to say when H will resurface. I realized for the first time tonight, I am not worried about when I will see him or hear from him again. I know it will happen. In May, I was a bit panicky about that - I thought D's graduation might be the "last time" I had any reason to see him. I am so clear now that H will be in touch at some point, I do not worry about that anymore. He wants to see me, maybe even needs to see me sometimes. I did check the bank account today just to make sure there was some activity (ie. H's still alive) and so now I'm not worried at all.

My friend on the phone tonight (who was my matron of honor at our wedding, and who introduced H & me) said that she really hears a lot of movement in our sitch in the past 8 months. That was nice to hear, the outside perspective affirming progress. She is very supportive and believes in my H also. She also said if you look at the scale of "supply and demand" like they use in business, when demand goes up for me, demand for OW goes down. She sees some of the steps towards me during the past 8 months as higher demand for me, and can picture OW just fading away at some point as H continues to share and confide with me and spend time with me more. I like that. I am a good companion. Also according to H's "every 2 month's visit pattern" to OW, a visit would be "due" this month. I thought that might happen around the "one year mark" (last week) but nope. It seems like H has no plans for that right now. Maybe it will get old for H to always be on OW's timeline based upon when she can successfully lie to her family and H. Meanwhile, I think more time with me could be a good thing for us, although in reality I am pretty sure he isn't played out with her yet. Anyway, right now H is MIA and that's OK. If H is processing our last visit, that's just fine, as it was a really nice one.

Thanks for the "Six Pillars" book suggestion, Sweet_Heart. I have a couple of Branden's books, but not that one. Could be helpful for those moments when I am hooked into sadness.

But tonight I am feeling cocky and happy. No matter what mistakes I've made, H would be a FOOL to let me go. And somewhere deep in that MLC mode, he knows it too. I can love him, and also love myself and have a great life while he finds himself. I can be happy, and still be a stand for my H's health and well-being, and the healing of our M. I can do this.

There are lots of people in my life that do not understand this. I am paring down who I will talk to now. I probably should not have trusted so many - some of my friends that "know" have too much fear and not enough spirituality and trust to fathom what I am doing. I am tired of people making H wrong for where he is at, or what he is doing. H is learning something powerful and deep for his life. I have confidence he will emerge. He is a smart man and a good man. I am 100% certain H was not out to hurt me - he was not, and is not, a bad guy.

I am grateful for all of you, committed to your M, and to your own growth and journeys. I think we are all pretty darned lucky to have each other to learn from and grow with. Thanks for being there. Carry on!

[soonergal]

There are lots of people in my life that do not understand this. I am paring down who I will talk to now. I probably should not have trusted so many - some of my friends that "know" have too much fear and not enough spirituality and trust to fathom what I am doing. I am tired of people making H wrong for where he is at, or what he is doing. H is learning something powerful and deep for his life. I have confidence he will emerge. He is a smart man and a good man. I am 100% certain H was not out to hurt me - he was not, and is not, a bad guy.

Hi PL,
I love this last post from you as it could have been my extact words!

I too do not watch as much TV, esp the shows that H & I used to watch. It seems that I can't sit still long enuf to watch much or that I can not sit in our home alone. I'm getting better but it's slow.

I have been in my job 18 years and my boss has been extremely understanding. He knows that I'm having personal problems, no details, and early in my sitch there were times that I would just start crying and had to leave my office. Or, I would need a long lunch or just take time to take a drive at odd times.

I see that I'm connecting more with long time friends via the phone. I know that alot of it was lonliness and they have been a huge support team for me. I don't plan on stopping this new practice when H returns as it is a great way to 'catch up' as you call it. Sometimes email can be so cold, if you know what I mean.

My peace came about a month ago when God spoke to me. I have never been a constant attender at church but have always believed in God. This sitch has brought me much closer to Him and for that I am grateful. I am no longer 'obsessed' about what H might or might not be doing. I still think about him and want him back but it doesn't consume me all day long like it used to.

Having supportive friends is critical during this time for us. I remember a few that were very negative about H and said I should hire a PI to take pics and to consult a L to protect myself. I said no, that it would just put a death sentence on my M. I did not need their negative thoughts. And you are right, not very many of them understand what we are doing and why. I do have 2 or 3 that do 'get' it and I'm stay in touch with them to boost my PMA.

I esp liked the last paragraph in your post, that's why I pasted it above in quotes. I truly feel the same way about my H too and I hope by being positive about him with our friends/family, that he will have an easier time with all when he does come home.

You are doing great, keep it up! If you would like, email me at [e-mail].
{{{hugs}}}
Soonergal

[always_14]

PL--just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. Hang in there. H seems to be popping out of the tunnel a bit at a time. You're handling SO well. Continue that. Remember, it's the consistency of our actions that make a difference. Also, from what my H said, it's when they peek out of the tunnel and we STILL show our changes, that they truly believe it.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi soonergal,

Thanks so much for the e-mail address. I will check in with you privately a little later on in the week! Also, thanks for the suggestion to move to MLC board. I have decided that I will be doing that soon too, as I see quite a few folks over there having REALLY similar experiences (including you!), and I think it would help me to get feedback and support from the "MLC experts" .

I have also made a commitment to my two friends that I am having weekly calls with now, that we will keep this up from now on, regardless of what happens in my M. You said:

I see that I'm connecting more with long time friends via the phone. I know that alot of it was lonliness and they have been a huge support team for me. I don't plan on stopping this new practice when H returns as it is a great way to 'catch up' as you call it.

Even more than keeping each other informed and caught up, these friends are calling me forth, and I am calling them forth, so that we continue to be our best selves in the world. There is a spiritual dimension, a deep connection involved, where we each feel so "gotten". I am incredibly blessed. This kind of love and understanding is also a reminder of who I am for H. H does not have others he is more closely connected to than me. This is also why the touch-stone aspect of our R needs to be understood and accepted right now. I am the touch-stone, like when a child runs off and then has to check back to make sure that you are there. As H begins to realize once again who I am for him, that regardless of what he has "done", I love, respect, and honor him - this is the magical blessing I believe he is seeking to find. And even with what he has "done", he is this for me too. I know who he is in his heart, regardless of the "hard to deal with" behavior.

Thanks for the part about finding peace:

My peace came about a month ago when God spoke to me. I have never been a constant attender at church but have always believed in God. This sitch has brought me much closer to Him and for that I am grateful. I am no longer 'obsessed' about what H might or might not be doing. I still think about him and want him back but it doesn't consume me all day long like it used to.

I am attending church once again, much more regularly. I stopped about 8 years ago (around the time I met H) and it is good to be back in that community. I have found that I find peace periodically, and then sometimes I get re-activated/triggered, and then I must seek peace again. Sometimes I have to dig, and look deep into myself and into my connection to God. But the attention to my spirit, and to spiritual practice, at a much higher level these past months, has fed my soul. This is one area that H will need to get to know about me now. H & I spent a lot of time in the "doing" of every day life before. Our new M would be different, because I am different now. And H is too. And to find peace and deep abiding love as a couple, that is what I am striving for. I know this is possible. And I am clear that I can provide love for the both of us right now if that's what's needed. If I need to be the one to generate the love for both of us right now because H isn't present to it, then I'm the one who can be counted on for that. And I don't have to see him, or even be around him to do it. It is in the air, in the water, in the fabric of life. And it transfers to him even now when he is MIA. He is being watched over, blessed, protected. And he is learning what ever he needs to, to grow and thrive at another level. And me too. I am being divinely led.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always, So happy to hear from you! How do you manage to inspire me and lift me up with just a few words? This helped me today:

Remember, it's the consistency of our actions that make a difference.

I think the blessing of being separated has been that I have been able to be extremely consistent with H. When I am "dealing" with something, H doesn't need to see it. But to pat myself on the back a little, when I have been forced to "deal with" something in front of H, my new behavior of becoming quiet (instead of getting angry) has worked REALLY well for me. I know H likes it better (of course!) but I like it better too. I have been surprised to find out that I am much more effective, and much happier, and that I am not suppressed. By managing my anger in reflection instead of outburst, there has been much improvement in our communication, even though it is infrequent and the situation is challenging. That is a big deal. So, thank you Michele. Because I used to think my anger was a healthy expression. And now I have found that it just creates a set back, and is pretty much a waste of time and energy which always requires "clean up" afterwards. My H, who is a really sensitive man, had every reason to be skeptical of this change, because he had been hurt by my anger and impatience many times. But I am committed to my changes, and I think my consistency in this regard will make the biggest difference of all.

[soonergal]

If I need to be the one to generate the love for both of us right now because H isn't present to it, then I'm the one who can be counted on for that. And I don't have to see him, or even be around him to do it. It is in the air, in the water, in the fabric of life. And it transfers to him even now when he is MIA. He is being watched over, blessed, protected. And he is learning what ever he needs to, to grow and thrive at another level. And me too. I am being divinely led.

Hi PL,
I couldn't have said this better, it is exactly what/how I feel. You 'get' it! You do sound really at peace with yourself and that is the first step to getting your H back. We'll set here on the curb together, sip ice tea, and chat.
{{{hugs}}}
Sooner

[Mamabear]

Hi PL

There are lots of people in my life that do not understand this. I am paring down who I will talk to now. I probably should not have trusted so many - some of my friends that "know" have too much fear and not enough spirituality and trust to fathom what I am doing. I am tired of people making H wrong for where he is at, or what he is doing. H is learning something powerful and deep for his life. I have confidence he will emerge. He is a smart man and a good man. I am 100% certain H was not out to hurt me - he was not, and is not, a bad guy.

Wow, so eloquently put. That is exactly how I feel too.

I used to think my anger was a healthy expression. And now I have found that it just creates a set back, and is pretty much a waste of time and energy which always requires "clean up" afterwards. My H, who is a really sensitive man, had every reason to be skeptical of this change, because he had been hurt by my anger and impatience many times.

Again, I think this also applies to my sitch as well.

PL, I really admire your strength and determination to save your M. That and the fact that you are so insightful and really have your head together. I know it is alot to ask, since this board is pretty much annonomous (sp), but I would love to talk to you via e-mail or on the phone. Actually I would love to do the same with Always14, Grasshopper and Jokerman (I have actually privately e-mailed with him and he has really helped me see things thru a "cheaters" eyes).

If you are interested, let me know, I feel like you are people that I could really become friends with. Thanks, Mama

[PositivelyListening]

Well, H called, in the early evening. Left a V.M. message - hardly ever does that. Very "distant" even cold, IMHO - no "sweetheart" or "hon" - just business, "Can I come by tomorrow for a couple of hours in the afternoon, to use the office? Let me know. Bye." Jeez, you would think I would be immune, or know better than to expect anything but a wall or retreat after such a warm and festive lunch last Friday. So, in my head, it goes like this: "Well I don't have to call him back, maybe I should make him wait 6 days and 3 phone calls later. No, that's not right, remember H is in MLC, probably in withdrawal and there's still a fair amount of replay going on. Yet he manages to call, be civil, ask for what he needs. You don't want to be unkind, or cause further retreat. Encourage behavior you like, right? H probably feels bad about D and the party and not calling 'til now, when he needs something. Let it all go. Besides, since I'm heading for my beach walk with my friend, won't it be more fun to have the call to talk about? OK PMA, get clear, no residue, before you make the call." Then I proceeded to sing several rounds of "All you need is love" and to have a really good chuckle before I called H back.

I was cheery, my usual happy self. H was distant, tired. Here's the gist of the convo:

PL: Hi sweetheart! What's up?
H: Did you get my message?
PL: Yes, that's why I'm calling you!
H: I just wanted to know if I could come over tomorrow and work in the office for a few hours in the afternoon.
PL: Well sure sweetheart, it's your office. That'd be fine.
H: Well, I just wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any people in there.
PL: (Slightly teasing) Well I haven't taken up a roommate, or any new lovers if that's what you mean.
H: (still serious) Well, no, I meant maybe some of D's friends were staying in there or something.
PL: Oh, no sweetheart, they stayed at a hotel last weekend. And everybody's gone now. It will be quiet. Except for the dog, who will be so glad to see you.
H: And the cleaning lady comes in the morning, right? So if I come in the afternoon?
PL: Yes, hon, she's done at 11. It will be all yours.
H: OK. Well, I'll make sure to visit with the dog.
PL: Great! (pause) Have you been eating?
H: I ate today, but I didn't do so well yesterday...
PL: Well the fridge is full of goodies - BBQ chicken, beans, rice, salad fixins, organic tomatoes - please eat while you're there too.

At the end of the call I also mentioned that I got a new gardener, that there were a few new expenses about that, but I thought the new gardener was a good guy and was offering to work reasonably, so I hoped that was OK with H, and said we could talk about that some other time. H asked if I was on the way to the beach, wished me a nice beach walk, asked me to enjoy it for him since he wouldn't be going out today, (he is stressed and working a lot). I told him to have a good time at home tomorrow then, H said "I dunno with how I am feeling" and I said "well, it'll make you feel better just to be there" and H said "OK, I hope so" and off I went.

So, I have a couple of questions for you experts out there:

1) I am trying to be supportive but not pushy or pursuing. Is that what you you get from our dialogue?

2) H had been unhappy with how the yard looked the last couple of times he was at the house. And it has always been my job to manage these things. So I told H about the new gardener so he would know I am taking care of it now (but it is costing $$, which is H's big pressure worry right now - the finances). Should I avoid all talk about household expenses, or is it OK to bring the realities in sometimes, so he doesn't just think I am getting my toenails painted with his hard earned $$ ?

3) I felt like at the end of the convo, I did not acknowledge H's heavy mood, worry, concerns, whatever. I find I am often the "PMA queen" with my loved ones - and I want them to see the positive, or that it will all work out, sometimes before they are ready. Or perhaps before they have worked through it, and instead they needed an ear, someone to listen and not override. This has been VERY true with H, I have done this. I think I did it again tonight on the phone. So, I would like to write H a note, and leave it here on his desk, letting him know that I can really see how hard he is working, and that I heard him when he said he was worried, and that if he wants to linger at the house until I get home from work that I'd be happy to listen to what ever he is concerned about. Or we could just watch a DVD (He asked a while back to watch a specific one with me) and we could relax for a bit. Would that kind of note be OK? Or is it too much for a guy who is likely in MLC WD and has been MIA for almost a week? Is any invite pursuit? I think it's likely he will be gone before I get home (even with the note), as I think he probably would not take me up on my offer. So does that mean I shouldn't ask? or is it helpful for him to know I am here for him?

Your thoughts on these things are most welcome - please! We have such fleeting time together, so little contact - once a week at best these days, so I want to make the most of it (even if I don't see him). Have the house clean and welcoming, you know.

Otherwise, I am doing fine. I am still a little preoccupied with H and not 100% focused at work (I spent 2 hours on an MLC web site today) and also behind in my school work too, but nonetheless, I'm trucking along pretty well considering. I am trying to get the focus all the way on me, and what I want and need to do to feel good, but this is not always easy. H is on my mind. Funny thing though, I can tell I am on his mind too, though. H even remembered that today is my regular beach walk day (which has been going on since our separation). H likes it that I walk now I think, as this was a healthy new behavior (and I lost weight!), and H is now walking by himself on the beach many days, too, which is really new behavior for H. So H is watching me, checking to see if I will remain consistent, for sure. Loving, patient, consistent. That's my goal.

P.S. MamaBear, do you have an e-mail I can write to? I am going to contact sooner gal this weekend also :-) Otherwise, I will have to get one of those private e-mails (a new one) before I could post any contact information here :-)

[grasshopper]

PL,

My overall impression is that in some way, and please, this is just a snap impression I am getting, you use your PMA as sort of a weapon or defense mechanism much the same way many people use humor.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, but I wonder if SO much positive vibration may put people on edge, especially your H.

I would HATE to dampen your spirit at all because I think the way you face the world is wonderful, I just want to make sure you understand that some people (and this is mostly THEIR problem) are not comfortable with so much happiness.

I also sense from your post, especially #3, a slight (or maybe not so much) desire to control the situation or "fix" him. I know you may not see it that way, but be leaving him a note outlining for him what his options are, it may give him the impression that even if he wanted to do those things, especially talk to you, that it was something you told him to do and maybe it would make him less likely to do it.

One of the major ideas in DB and other philosophies is that you can't FORCE them to do something, and I would suggest that in your H's case, you may not even be able to coax him into certain things because I believe he MAY see any attempt by you to "be available" as pursuit/control.

I know it sucks to just sit back and see if he does the right thing by you, but MAYBE (and you know how much a fan I am of making your own choices these days) your sitch needs a bit more of that and a bit less pursuit by you.

While I have never really gotten to this point in my sitch, I think there IS something to be said for them missing you and if he IS indeed thinking about you, it may be good to let his mind wander on it's own without SEEMING (we all know the truth, you are using your womanly mind control on him) to be directed by you to an outcome that he THINKS only you want right now.

PL, I want to restate again, I DO NOT WANT to dampen your spirit so if what I say in any way makes you think about doing that, purge it from your mind. Just be aware of perception because as they say, it often can be everything.

GH

[always_14]

PL....read your post. A few thoughts, that mostly also echo GH's thoughts.

1) H is in MLC. You (ike myself as well) analyze and try to rationalize and make sense of something that is just plain insane.

2) Be cheerful b/c it's who you are. Don't be cheerful to help H come out of his slump. His slump is part of MLC (he's in pain inside, remember). He needs to come out of that on his own, and essentially you're robbing him of "growing" by doing it for him. Also, with my H, the more "normal and happy" I sound, the more his misery comes out. A reaction or sincere, I have no idea, but I am who I am for me.

3) Note explanation note. Too much. You did nothing that requires this. He will make of your actions as he wants, in MLC. Do your best, but don't break your back re-explaining. He knows, ultimately, from years of M, that you are a wonderful and loving person, that should suffice. Also, it is pursuit and to the MLC, all that work you do is "annoying"....we know that.

4) Don't go overboard to "take care of him" now. With separation comes you not being his W and caretaker anymore, and him having to grow up and take care of that on his own. That means eating well, taking care of stress, etc. If he says he doesn't know if he will feel better...say "sorry you feel that way...take good care of yourself." It is NOT your job to care for him through MLC and make it easier. It's hard for me too, when H calls with his DEPRESSED beyond belief calls, but it's his life to sort through, and not my concern. It doesn't mean I don't care, but not my responsibility. Fine difference.

5) In MLC, things we do or don't do, make very LITTLE difference, unlike other WAS sitations. It's a process, crisis, that takes it's own course. That's not to say that we don't need to make changes, or that nothing matters....it does. Our consistent love, and understanding, and there are things we can do to definately push them away or cut ties....but, what I am saying is that we get hung up that our actions will make things better, and look for the outcomes. Don't do that. He will come out on his own. Trust that your patience, grace and good actions are being remembered. But, don't look for the harvest just yet.