Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi soonergal, MamaBear, Sweet_Heart (& all),

Thanks for writing to me. H is MIA, and I am fine.

I notice I am sensitive these days. I used to watch TV, and now for the past 8 months I can not. Too noisy, too intrusive. Today, they were doing repairs in our office (the AC system) and I have a sore shoulder. So, with that combo, I left work, went to the dentist as planned, went to the chiropractor (as needed), and went home. Had lunch on the patio in my beautiful back yard. Didn't go back to work. I have missed a fair amount of work lately, but it seems to be what I need to do to take care of myself right now.

I just had a 3 hour phone conversation with my best friend (catching up after 2 weeks) and I am finally emptied out and completely calm. Thank God for good friends.

So I have visits with good friends and loving family, I read, write and think exercise, and sometimes cook and eat. Thank goodness I have worked in my job 20 + years, as I have needed a little slack this year and have not been the constant work horse since the crisis hit, as I was before. I know things are piling up pretty badly right now. Tomorrow, I feel I will be able to go back in refreshed. I do need to get refocused there, and also on my school work. There has been some procrastination going on, and pre-occupation with H (and reading and writing on these boards ). I truly feel clear tonight, though, so hopefully I can maintain that for a bit now.

Hard to say when H will resurface. I realized for the first time tonight, I am not worried about when I will see him or hear from him again. I know it will happen. In May, I was a bit panicky about that - I thought D's graduation might be the "last time" I had any reason to see him. I am so clear now that H will be in touch at some point, I do not worry about that anymore. He wants to see me, maybe even needs to see me sometimes. I did check the bank account today just to make sure there was some activity (ie. H's still alive) and so now I'm not worried at all.

My friend on the phone tonight (who was my matron of honor at our wedding, and who introduced H & me) said that she really hears a lot of movement in our sitch in the past 8 months. That was nice to hear, the outside perspective affirming progress. She is very supportive and believes in my H also. She also said if you look at the scale of "supply and demand" like they use in business, when demand goes up for me, demand for OW goes down. She sees some of the steps towards me during the past 8 months as higher demand for me, and can picture OW just fading away at some point as H continues to share and confide with me and spend time with me more. I like that. I am a good companion. Also according to H's "every 2 month's visit pattern" to OW, a visit would be "due" this month. I thought that might happen around the "one year mark" (last week) but nope. It seems like H has no plans for that right now. Maybe it will get old for H to always be on OW's timeline based upon when she can successfully lie to her family and H. Meanwhile, I think more time with me could be a good thing for us, although in reality I am pretty sure he isn't played out with her yet. Anyway, right now H is MIA and that's OK. If H is processing our last visit, that's just fine, as it was a really nice one.

Thanks for the "Six Pillars" book suggestion, Sweet_Heart. I have a couple of Branden's books, but not that one. Could be helpful for those moments when I am hooked into sadness.

But tonight I am feeling cocky and happy. No matter what mistakes I've made, H would be a FOOL to let me go. And somewhere deep in that MLC mode, he knows it too. I can love him, and also love myself and have a great life while he finds himself. I can be happy, and still be a stand for my H's health and well-being, and the healing of our M. I can do this.

There are lots of people in my life that do not understand this. I am paring down who I will talk to now. I probably should not have trusted so many - some of my friends that "know" have too much fear and not enough spirituality and trust to fathom what I am doing. I am tired of people making H wrong for where he is at, or what he is doing. H is learning something powerful and deep for his life. I have confidence he will emerge. He is a smart man and a good man. I am 100% certain H was not out to hurt me - he was not, and is not, a bad guy.

I am grateful for all of you, committed to your M, and to your own growth and journeys. I think we are all pretty darned lucky to have each other to learn from and grow with. Thanks for being there. Carry on!