Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[soonergal]

Hey PL!
Thanks for visiting my thread also! I'm by no means an expert at this but feel in my heart that I'm doing the right thing and if anything I say or do can help you, I'm glad. None of us choose to be here but the support we give each other is huge! Yes, I believe that we can help each other too!

I may have done the "wrong" thing (in retrospect, and after considering your post), but I did send H a short text message on his phone this morning. Don't worry about that now. You felt in your heart that you should send the note and that's okay. As long as you don't do things just to make yourself feel better.

Earlier, I had been re-reading one of my favorite helpful books, "Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis" by Sally Conway, I have read Jim Conway's book 'Men in Mid Life Crisis' and it was right on. I'm sure Sally's is also.

I guess I just want to periodically reassure him that he is accepted and loved just how he is right now. I've been told that H knows he is loved and accepted. But to continue to tell him, is pursuing and could continue to make him feel guilty. And again, the contact was just a way to make me feel better anyway.

So the text I sent was: "Good morning sweetheart. Are you OK? Luv 2 you on this beautiful morning." After reading your post, though, I realize that even a cheery message could make H feel pursued, guilty or bad, especially the "Are you OK?" part - I realized later that a question like that might even make him angry, although that was certainly not my intention - It never is our intention but the MLCer is not thinking straight.

I just wanted to make sure he was alright. Believe me, he is as alright as he can be right now.

And even if it is not making him angry, it still might be "too much" from me right now. Agreed!!

I have not heard from him since we had lunch on Friday, so now for sure won't contact him again until he emerges. he's gone back into the tunnel.Let him be for now. {/color]

that you went "dark" for 1 1/2 months. That seems impossible to me, if there is anything financial or whatever that needs to transpire. I am curious about how you made that work. I definitely see how easy it is to make excuses for contact. And at least initially, H always seems so pleased when I do. However, I have trouble figuring out how to have so little contact as what you described. I have been hesitant to pursue "unwrapping" ourselves further, as I'd rather not move farther away than we already have. Your thoughts on that (details of how you are managing it, especially the financial/business end of things) would be appreciated.

H usually comes by our home during the day when I'm at work to pick up his mail and any bills that are due. If he doesn't make it by by the time one is due, he has asked that I fax it to him. I used to ask myself, 'how can he be too busy to come by our home?' Then it dawned on me, this is withdrawal. Now, I don't worry about it as much but I always make sure that the house is clean and picked up just in case!

I spent some time in H's office today (in our home). It is "in limbo" just like our M. So meanwhile it sits, as a symbolic reminder of the flux state of our M. Is this the best approach - just leave it alone until H says something new about what he wants to do? We too, have an 'office' in our home where H took care of bills and did reports for work. At first, it was very hard for me to go into the room and get on the computer cos it was always H's personal space. It's not so bad now but I still consider it his area. I have not changed anything in our home as H said early in all this 'Don't change anything'. And I haven't. I've added a new picture here and there but over all, nothing major.

I feel protective of H in this regard too - Me too! I know our friends wonder what is going on with us as I still do things with them but w/o H. I just tell them he is working or at a meeting and they are very supportive of us both by not asking too many questions. He is overwhelmed, and I just feel so sad that I was not sensitive to it sooner. He probably is but don't beat yourself up about it. All you can take care of is the here and now. Don't worry what might have been but what will be. Right now I think the pressure of "things to do" around here is not helpful.

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I wonder why you have not moved over into the Mid Life Crisis forum? There are so many more gifted people there that can be a source of support for you. I urge you to do this. Hang in there and we will get thru this together!
{{{hugs}}}}
Sooner