Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi soonergal, Thanks for writing to me. I wish I had read your post earlier this morning. I may have done the "wrong" thing (in retrospect, and after considering your post), but I did send H a short text message on his phone this morning. Earlier, I had been re-reading one of my favorite helpful books, "Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis" by Sally Conway, and she talks about being the space of loving compassion and safety, which called to me once again and was how I was feeling about H this morning. I guess I just want to periodically reassure him that he is accepted and loved just how he is right now. So the text I sent was: "Good morning sweetheart. Are you OK? Luv 2 you on this beautiful morning." After reading your post, though, I realize that even a cheery message could make H feel pursued, guilty or bad, especially the "Are you OK?" part - I realized later that a question like that might even make him angry, although that was certainly not my intention - I just wanted to make sure he was alright. And even if it is not making him angry, it still might be "too much" from me right now. I have not heard from him since we had lunch on Friday, so now for sure won't contact him again until he emerges.

Thanks for checking in on me. I have been reading up on your sitch, and I think I can learn a lot from you, and perhaps vice versa, as I think we have a similar stand, set of circumstances, and sense of what's needed. I was really impressed with the fact that you went "dark" for 1 1/2 months. That seems impossible to me, if there is anything financial or whatever that needs to transpire. I am curious about how you made that work. I definitely see how easy it is to make excuses for contact. And at least initially, H always seems so pleased when I do. However, I have trouble figuring out how to have so little contact as what you described. I have been hesitant to pursue "unwrapping" ourselves further, as I'd rather not move farther away than we already have. Your thoughts on that (details of how you are managing it, especially the financial/business end of things) would be appreciated.

I spent some time in H's office today (in our home). It is "in limbo" just like our M. A few pairs of shoes, a hat, H's books, files, computer, drafting tools, etc. As well as a few things that are not H's (a cabinet with some china, memorabilia & books of mine.) There are lots of photos of us un that room also - family and friends and wedding photos. Before H and I separated, H had wanted to remove the china cabinet and have the "whole" room, which is reasonable of course. However, now that he is gone, I have not done that yet - not sure if I should do anything. I am willing, but I think he would need to want to "retake possession" of the room, and right now he's just jetting in and out of our house as fast as he can. So that room is weird - I could use it as a guest room or a rental if we were going that direction. I'd rather have H come back, of course. So meanwhile it sits, as a symbolic reminder of the flux state of our M. Is this the best approach - just leave it alone until H says something new about what he wants to do?

I did take advantage of D's friends being here to move the new windows that have been sitting out in the yard, into the garage. This is a project that was "mid-stream" when H left, and I am tired of worrying about them getting damaged and also tired of explaining to people who come over, why they are there. I feel protective of H in this regard too - I believe he will get to them at some point, and there is no point in worrying about it right now. He is overwhelmed, and I just feel so sad that I was not sensitive to it sooner. So except for the two sliding glass doors (which were too big to move in) all of the other windows were moved into the garage where they will wait for a different time in our R to get managed. H was the one who asked them to be left out there (so they would be easier for him to install) but that was March, and I have decided that I will hire someone to move them or help him when he is ready. Right now I think the pressure of "things to do" around here is not helpful. There are so many half done projects, and with the winter coming sooner than we like to think, I am worried about leaks when the rains come again, as most of the half way done projects are really problematic that way. I will have to figure out how to get some of these handled without H and without enough cash flow.

Well, it's a beautiful sunny day. Enough for now. I will take a walk, and then get to studying.