Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

LONG POST COMING - Sorry! alot happened today

Hello Always & everyone,

First thank you so much Always for writing to me. As of today, I am QUITE sure that the patience method (not the "force the issue" method) will create the results I am seeking in my M. But it helps so much to hear it (again and again as needed! ) because my patience periodically wears so thin and my frustration periodically runs so high, that I need all of you to touch base with, so I do not blow it at a crucial time. I am so grateful. I need y'all to know, as committed as I am, I think I would not make it without this board and my two good friends who get it and are 100 % committed along with me. So thank you Always, and all of you. When this sitch totally turns around, and we are working on our M together again, it will be in large part due to all of you. And if for any reason that's not what happens, I will know that I had the best resources and the best support anyone could ever have. But here's the deal: I am HOPEFUL today. Not so hopeful that I am stupid or naieve. But HOPEFUL nonetheless. And oh boy does that feel better. I feel like the prayers are beginning to work too. Keep them coming.

So, what happened today? I decided last night that H may have realized that he had sent me the text message intended for OW. And if he did realize it, he might feel embarrassed and ashamed which would cause him to stay away, not knowing how I would react. Alternatively, H has been buried in work, and stressed about that, which has been a constant for months (years?). He is working 7 days/week, which was a big issue in our M. I am a "quality time" LL gal, and there was H working all the time. Of course, now the pressure is probably at a peak, since he is supporting "two households". More on that later.

Anyway, I texted H this morning. Seems the least invasive type of contact, as H can respond when he wants, or not. Sent him 3 tidbits in one text: "Happy anniversary present, your passport has arrived! Also, can I get the check for 8/1? Also, are you coming to D's b-day party Saturday? Wow, 3-in-1. Luv 2 you." Amazing how much you can generate in one efficient 10 cent text message. H probably loves that, he doesn't like too much chatter.

Anyway, he called back and I missed it. 1 1/2 hours later I called H back. (I was at the dentist - new white teeth, looking better and better these days ) H was stressed, work stuff. I offered to pick up his mail and bring it to him (40 minutes out of my way - he REALLY appreciated that I would do that) H didn't know about D's b-day party, totally wanted to rearrange his schedule to come. He was due to receive an award for outstanding president in a service club he has been part of, and he is going to rearraange that!! He asked who would be there (and it's a BIG group, and a challenging one for H. H is brave and obviously thinks this is important enough to push himself to be there for D). Then, he invited me to lunch today.

H was very happy to see me. Wrote me a check, started going on about needing to reduce the amount he is paying, too much pressure, all the reasons, etc. I could feel myself getting hooked with the threat, fear, issue with money going to OW visits, etc. Managed to pause and be silent. Realized he was hungry, stressed. I stayed calm. Finally he said we could talk about it later, that now was not the time. I said I was ready and willing to talk to him about the finances whenever he wanted to - that I was worried too, so I understand. OK. (Phew!)

H took me to lunch for sushi. I thought we would go for this burrito place he likes. He says, "I go there every day, but you're here!" I said, "oh I'm here, it's a special occasion?" He says, "yes!" On the way, H wanted to stop by our friend's shop, to see friend. I felt he was showing me off. It was so nice. Friend does not know we are separated. We caught up about the kids, life activities, etc. Compliments, how good I look. Friend said to H, isn't it nice to see how everything turns out alright? H looked really worried about that, and said "most things, I'm not sure about everything." I looked at him and said softly, "Everything is working out just right. A little at a time, it's all good." I was wearing a t-shirt from my favorite shirt company "Life is Good" right on the front.

Had a lovely lunch. Another friend(2) was at lunch with his wife. I knew F2 first, but H knows him better now, working on his house, took him out for a beer, lives in the small town where H's shop and rented room are, etc. I think F2 knows we are separated, since H is around him a lot. F2 seemed really happy to see me with H, I was very warmly greeted. H decided to take me by the work site (F2's new house.) Wow, I am getting the whole inclusion tour today. I am a happy camper. But here's the capper. H tells me at lunch that his B & SIL want to take another trip to Mexico again over the holidays, as we did together 2 years ago. Oh my God! H wants me to take a family vacation with him in December/January! I stayed cool. I was literally already planning my holidays without H. Yesterday, I was looking into a cruise, was going to ask my birth mother to go, and send the D's off to their boyfriend's houses this year - or just Xmas at home and then off to our own things right after. All I said to H was, "I am glad you let me know, because I was just in the midst of making other plans." H said, "let's call them right now to get the dates, do I have their number in my phone?" OK, I'm along for the ride. We call SIL at home, I get to speak with my neice too, with H there. I know some of this trip planning is SIL doing. Her family lives in Mexico. SIL is the only one who knows the deeper truth about our sitch beyond the separation (that there is an OW). I told SIL when we had that brief informative talk, that I thought being around family would help H. God bless her, SIL is subtle but she is effective. Time on the phone with my neice and SIL in front of H was well spent too. As Chuck the DB coach says, "OW will never be able to provide H with family. All she will ever do is take it away. No one else can provide what you provide. You keep bringing family together, and H will see that at some point, and how important that is. OW can't provide that, H's ex-W can't provide that, only YOU can provide that." I felt that today.

H did take me to the job site too. And, right before I left, H expressed to me again that he was worried about $$, that he couldn't keep going on like this. Today was not the day for the nuts and bolts of the $$ convo. So I just validated, said "you sound worried" and he said "yes" and I think he felt heard. He was really happy I was there, told me so. In our M before the crisis, H always wanted me to come down to the shop, to see what he was doing and spend time with him there. I am so glad that I did that today. H gave me a kiss on the lips twice when I left. These are not romantic kisses, mind you. But a kiss on the lips from H is a sign of comfort and safety with me. When he avoids my mouth and kisses the cheek, well, I just know where we are - it's one of the barometers. And a side-ways hug with no kiss at all is the worst sign. I guess if we ever get to a pressed up against the wall kiss, or a tongue again, I will be on cloud nine.

OK. I will try not to be too excited. But here's what happened today:

H committed to come to D's B-day party
H was warm, happy to see me.
Invited me to lunch
Took me to see friends
Shared his work
Kept his $$ agreement and gave me $$
Shared worries
Invited me on a trip
Included us as a unit with family
Kissed me on the lips twice
I was warm but collected
I validated, affirmed, and appreciated
I touched H a few times, but did not over do it

And just so you know, I am aware that today is 1 year since H met OW. I shouldn't know that and shouldn't care, I know. But I do happen to know, from a long ago snoop on the computer. And since I know, I am even more grateful that H didn't dissappear on me today of all days, but actually validated my existence in his life. I know I should not expect anything. But I just need all of you to know, that it feels awfully good when this happens.

Any advice on how to handle what's coming next is welcome - feel free. The party tomorrow could be a challenge for H. Foster-D25 wrote H a scathing e-mail in March, calling him names, furious about OW, protective of me, and has not seen H or spoken to H since Xmas. This is probably the biggest hurdle that H will face tomorrow. Foster-D25 has gone to C, worked on many of her issues and dissapointments about what has happened and the A and subsequent turmoil in the family, and has been willing to have recent conversations with me about MLC and H now that she is no longer mad at me for standing for the M. I think it will go OK with them. I know that H really loves her, knows how much he hurt her and the family, and I know that H is being really really brave. I have let Foster-D25 know he is coming now, and she is prepared. We had a nice lunch today when she arrived. I also let D's godfather know he was coming. D's GF said it would be awkward with H there. I said, yes, I understand. Then I told D's GF about a book I read that says how important it is to include a WAS in MLC in family gatherings while they are sorting themselves out, if they want to come. It makes the bridge easier to cross when they are ready to come back. D's GF said OK, yes, he understood and could see that. So I think I have helped bridge the most important R's for H re: tomorrow. I suspect H will arrive late, and not stay long. But that's OK. I want him to feel welcome, that's all. Mostly, it is D25's special day. I have done what I can for H, and now I will focus on D25. She deserves it - she's an amazing human being and a most wonderful D.

I will save the $$ questions for another post. I will need some advice about how to manage some of those issues before we have another convo about it. Not putting pressure on H while not taking on more than I can handle myself is tricky. Holding my ground, and not enabling, being firm about boundaries, while also being understanding and supportive, is also tricky. If H is peeking out of the tunnel, I do not want to scare him off. I want him to feel vallidated, understood. I want him to feel my partnership, as an ally.

But one thing at a time. Right now, I have to go marinate chicken in chipotle adobo cilantro for tomorrow. Yum yum.