Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Jokerman, Thanks so much for saying this:

I agree with Always. It will pass. He is not the man you married and is making decisions and judgements that in are in a total fog.

Believe it or not, I want this to be so, more than anything. Funny to want it to be a fog, but it is so much better than thinking it is a permanent condition. I figure I can wait a little longer to see my true H again. I can imagine how that will be, when he emerges from the fog. I pray for that. I can picture the most amazing M, with love, new insight, growth and passion. I must be patient.

I too waffle between those two camps - the one that says "be patient, be kind, be loving, never give up" and the one that is all those things but with the "tough love" twist - a little more straight, exposing the crap, shining the spotlight on the garbage so you can clean it out. So far, I have not added the second piece. It's not quite as patient. I have been aware of H's need for privacy which is so much greater than my own, and his shame. Not wanting to make it worse, to force him to run into hiding. Actually, Chuck the DB coach explained it to me this way: DBing, he said, is like the LBS having a great picnic. All the fixins are there, games, beautiful day, good food and drink, fun people. The WAS is with LBS but then the WAS gets scared (we don't know why) and runs and hides behind the wall. Chuck says the first thing the LBS wants to do is run after him (is he playing hide and seek? where did he go?) but that's the worst thing to do - if you do that they run farther, behind a bigger thicker wall, because they're scared). So, the thing to do is to keep enjoying the picnic. Have a good time, glance over every once in a while, but mostly just let them alone. The WAS will eventually peek out from behind the wall, and eventually, if it is not dangerous or scary where you are, they come back and sit with you on the blanket. And you treat them like a beaten dog you want to adopt at the pound. You take it very slow, and you let them come to you. And you are gentle, patient and kind.

I actually had an experience at a dog shelter once, with a very frightened dog. I was very patient, in an open area, and just squated in the corner and talked softly to him for a long time. There were other dogs and people running around. But I was very patient and waited for him. The shelter staff said I was the first person that the dog ever came to - he eventually let me pet him. I had forgotten about that story until just now. I know what those eyes look like, those frightened flat eyes. I will have more compassion for H now than ever. H has those same eyes sometimes. I will remember that sweet little dog.

I imagine not much of that is relevant to you, since you chose to come back to your W. But patience is required in dealing with fear. And your W may have some of that too. I am now realizing clearer than ever, that my H is really quite afraid. I must be his friend. I must just love him, no matter what.

And through all this today, this writing and responding to all of you, I am realizing that I must periodically reach out to H, and reassure him that he is loved and he is welcome. Nothing fancy, no demands, no expectations. D25's b-day party is Saturday, and he did not call her yesterday on her day. I suspect in his fog he has forgotten. I have not spoken to H since Sunday, and of course the mistaken text message came on Monday am. I know he will be hurt if he is not invited to the B-day even though I believe he will decline. I realized while writing this, that he may be feeling ashamed that I got the text message intended for OW. I think he knows it happened. I need to rise above making him wrong for forgetting or ignoring D's b-day, and not add to his shame or whatever is going on with him. Just a quick check-in, handle the business of b-days and missing money for bills, and then leave him be again for another two weeks. I also realized that I could transfer the $$ every two weeks per our agreement from his business account to the house acct on-line, so he wouldn't have to remember to write a check and bring it. I was worried that he might freak out about that idea if I brought it up, as he periodically forgets that we have shared accounts which I can access Of course, if he was worried that I would "take" money without asking, he can be reassured that I would never do that. This is an area where I can continue to build his trust. I must manage my integrity impeccably, that I see.

Hang in there. Just like my wife...you are MORE than the H deserves right now.

In time he will resent himself and the OW.

Thank you for saying this. I need support to keep hanging in, to keep my focus, to keep my PMA, to keep my patience. And I surely hope you are right