Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

So nice to hear from you! Regarding H's parents, you said:

Hmm... so you're afraid he may well figure that if his parents can have a "business" marriage, then he can have one as well. What has his attitude towards his parents M been?

H said to me, when he revealed about the A, that he wanted to have a "business" relationship with me and keep our M on that basis. He said he trusted me in business, and wanted to continue our progress together. I think he was rather shocked that I was not happy with that offer. I have talked to him many times in the past about his parent's R. I asked him why his mom stayed married to his dad, it seems so unfulfilling a life for her. Dad goes off on sailing trips with boys. Mom takes vacations with her family, children and grandchildren. Hardly ever do they go somewhere together (because one "must" always stay behind to run the business. One exception was our wedding, and they had a really good time). They sleep in separate rooms, dad has gay porn and a TV in his room, mom has books and needlework. H's response to my question about why his mom stayed was very serious in tone "My mother stayed because she made a commitment to the marriage. They love each other in their own way. They have a partnership and it works for them." [FYI, my take on it is different. I think his mom does love his dad. But I think a long time ago and still, she would be afraid to leave. She has a lot of fear about a lot of things. His mom and I are VERY different in this way] I would say H is non-judgemental of his parents sitch, but protective - there is a defensive edge. And also very private about it. Not many people know of the true nature of their R. In their small German town, they are just a couple, anniversary parties, family, etc. just like everyone else. I imagine there is plenty of gossip, but if there is, it is all over my head being in another language and all. And frankly, I am not judgemental of their choices - that is their life, and if it is the life they want, that is up to them. They are kind people, especially H's mom. But I do think it has affected my H, and has likely done some damage. I made it clear to H before we were married that I would never want a M where I slept apart from him. (We also have some close friends who have separate bedrooms, due to health and insomnia). They love each other too, but I made it clear early on that I was going for a M with passion and excitement for life, and H seemed completely aligned with that. Still, H seemed surprised when I did not go for the "business only marriage" after the reveal of the A and asked him to move out instead. And he tried to work it in several times (wanted to buy a 2nd house after we were separated, etc. and kept bringing it up) I have made it clear to him that I do not want to take further business steps together unless it is in the context of a "whole" marriage. But I also told him that I am not in a rush if he needs time to sort that out. (Which is an "act as if" because truthfully I would have liked it if he quit OW and wanted to come home a long time ago. But he hasn't). Sometimes I think I would have been able to generate more contact with him if we were partnering more, and I had allowed the business ventures to continue. I am worried about the money part, and my future financially without H. That is very uncomfortable for me. But I have to have a line about what works for me. Hanging around with my H makes me want him, like we were. And seeing him remind me he is "in love with someone else" hurts me. I haven't gotten over that, although I have managed to control it OK most of the time.

So yes, my fear is that H has a concept of marriage that is more "open" than mine. He is kind of a renegade and non-conformist in many arenas. He has a real "I need to be free" streak. I don't know what else to do but give him space, check in every once in a while, and let him (hopefully) come to me. If he really doesn't want a M, he won't come back. Because I am the real deal, and I will love him forever. The ironic and other scary part about this is, H has been in R's mostly in the past where he was pursued. This is true with his ex-W and true with OW. Emotionally needy manipulative women who have reeled him in in a quite obvious manner. Even sexually, he wanted me to initiate more than I did. So I worry that H will end up where ever he is netted. And I know it's not healthy, and I won't go there. I have heard that sometimes the cheaters get their egos filled by being wanted by more than one woman. And H does have some low self-esteem issues that were surfacing heavily during the past year. It is scary for me, thinking that he might fall into that kind of needy, controlling woman pattern once again and choose an unhealthy R over a healthier more stable one. Because he's so familiar with the other.