Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Always,

Yes, you are 100% correct - this is exactly what I am doing. It looks like my H, it sounds like my H, but I'll be darned if the behavior and choices are NOTHING like the H that I knew. So here's where I get tripped up. I am having a hard time believing that MLC is real. I have a clinical psychologist friend that says there is no such thing as MLC - there is "no research that indicates it truly exists" - he says it is an old wive's tale, like "empty nest syndrome" which apparently also does not have basis in research either, according to him. Well a part of me doesn't care about that, because science has never ever been truer than my intuition. And there are lots of things that are not scientifically researched, that are "real" IMHO. But I also have close friends who doubt H, who think that this behavior was predictable. And all day long I have been ruminating on whether my H can ever be a stable person, or whether he just isn't. His past R with his ex-W was drama packed. His mom and dad are 35 years married, but dad is gay and they live this sexless somewhat lonely M because they chose to stay married and are business partners. H has travelled all over the world and lived in lots of countries. Our M was part of his desire to establish roots and a home. But now, with this BIG rebellion MLC and A, and so many doubting him - well frankly it is hard to be the only one taking a stand for my H and my M, when he is not even doing it for himself.

So I worry. Maybe I've been a fool... Maybe H never loved me and just wanted to improve his business situation and get US citizenship. I have been freaking about the money today. H owed me a check on the 1st, and I did not want to remind him. He forgot that, and D's bithhday yesterday also. So you are right, I keep thinking of H as functional in every way as he used to be, and he is not. He used to function highly in the "caring" department. Right now, I feel like he does not care about anyone but himself (and OW) unless he is reminded, and then he feels guilty. And the finances for me will hit a bottom really quick without his participation. He on the other hand, will do better financially in terms of cash flow without me. But for long term success, we both benefit being together. I have the insurance from my job, the equity from my property. We were planning to invest, do things. It all feels so stuck. When H came here when he M me, his business was nothing. We built it up, and now it is flourishing. He doesn't "need" me to help him any more to make it, but all the sacrifices were made earlier. I am worried today, that I will be left feeling used and angry and bitter. But we will both lose if he leaves. Truth is though, if H leaves, financial ramifications or not, it's not what I want.

So, I need more MLC resources. I am thinking I need a new timeline, a new plan so I can calm down. I worry I am doing the wrong things. But what you said, Always, THAT gives me hope:

They are at a battle with themselves...trust me, it doesn't seem so, but they are. There is a painful war going on within him, your analysis of right and wrong aren't even needed. It's taking care of itself.

Please, just keep telling me that. If H is really somehow working it out, his own pace and time - if H will someday, no matter the outcome of our M, talk to me with some sense of having figured it out, then I can wait for that. Because it is the silence, the huge wall between H and me, that makes me so crazy. I love him. I will not chase him down. Waiting for him to peek out that's all. Patience is the hardest thing for me right now.