Positively 3rd thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi lucyhelen,

It was really good to hear from you today. You are a strong woman. It is amazing to me that you managed to take a stand for your marriage all on your own, without these boards and support. For such a long time. And it is an inspiration to me that it worked out for you. I keep thinking if it worked out for others, if it worked out for you, I have a really good chance. Why not me? I really am a good person and a good catch - a good wife, a good mom, with a lovely home, a compassionate and loving heart, a quick mind, a ready laugh - all those things.

I think H is a real wild card though. He has a lot to overcome right now. I just need to believe in him and pray all the more. Someday, OW is going to stumble and show her true self for all to see. Then a door might open a crack. I know one thing for sure - H will not be able to say bad things about me, unless he stays in the fog of the A and lies. I will not give him evidence to hate me. Thank you for your coaching on these things today. It is helpful to me. I usually like everything out in the open. I would like everyone in my world to have all of the accurate information, always. This time, however, H needs to see that I will respect him, and respect his need for privacy, even when I disagree with his choices and behavior. This is hard for me - I am a teacher, counselor, advisor to many. My values matter to me a great deal. Honesty and integrity are big big important foundational issues. But I will not go down that hole. H must be a man and step back into his personal power or this won't work for either of us anyway. I can't tell on him to his parents, you and MamaBear are both right. I am just going to have to keep the proper distance to protect my sanity, and keep going about my business.

You said:

You can only be hurt so many times even from someone you love who isn't doing it to be mean, before you finally say enough and move away. Not necessarily move ON, move AWAY. Perhaps it is time to distance yourself.

This was very important and interesting to me. When I am hurt by something H says or does, I often feel he is "doing it to me on purpose", trying to hurt me. I told this to H once (long ago, before any of this) and H was really hurt by that. He reassured me that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. Yet, his choices here, to have this A, to pursue the OW, feel like a direct assault on me, my family, and everything that I hold dear. It is the most difficult thing I have ever worked on, to hold H in the space of love and compassion, when I feel so personally attacked. You seem so sure that it is not intentional, and I have read that elsewhere also. Yet the only way I can accept that is to think of H as mentally ill (like MLC) - deranged. I believe that I could never do what he is doing without pre-thinking about the consequences and ramifications my actions would have on others, unless I was out of my mind. Long ago, I told H that when you are committed to someone, if you "think" you might want to have an A or even a kiss, you talk about it together first. You pick up the phone, with the OP standing there naked if you have to. But you don't ignore your integrity and then follow it by more lies. THAT seems intentional, in place to protect the cheater and the A, and to hurt everyone who is being lied to, especially the betrayed spouse. How do you make that leap to understanding that the cheater is not intentionally doing harm? This is a hard one for me to grasp - a fleeting understanding at best. The rest of the time, I am sure what H is doing is hurtful and wrong, and he knows it, but chooses to do it anyway, to hell with who gets hurt. In fact there have been several incidents with H when it has felt very much like he wanted to throw the A and OW in my face, to get back at me, punish me. He seemed so angry (covertly) at those times. He would always say he wasn't angry. But the feeling was powerful in the space. So, the hurts I have experienced at H's hands have often felt intentional. Tell me a litle more about how you got to the place of knowing that they are not intending to be mean.

Yes, distancing. That delicate balance between some (hopefully beneficial) contact and none. Right now for me, less is good. Each day that goes by without contact, I am feeling better. I never in a million years, not EVER, did I think I would say that about my H. I remember how I would look forward to seeing H everyday. How I would miss him when he was away. Now the only thing that would bring that feeling up for me again, is if he showed that he was missing me substantially. That's the only thing that might provide a cautious inroad right now. Because the H I truly miss is not the one I have been seeing. I pray one day soon, he will show up again and want to come home.

Thank you lucyhelen, for your attention to me and my situation. I feel in my heart you are helping us. I am grateful.